Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #285 · 2026-10-28

Frank Ferrier
of Onions Cavity Care and Son

a membership with no savings and no benefits · membership

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 285: Frank Ferrier of Onions Cavity Care and Son, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew to post

“Bernard asked whether the membership needed feeding; Frank asked twice more for a yes; the mouse in the insulation went unrecorded.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Frank Ferrier Hello there, Frank Ferrier here from Onions Cavity Care and Son, and I'm ringing with a rather brilliant opportunity about our membership.
Bernard Onions Cavity Care, you say. That's a new one on me. Well, I'm listening, mostly. What is it you're caring for, exactly — cavities in the walls, or the ones in your teeth?
Frank Ferrier Ha, brilliant question! No, the membership's the thing — it gives you prestigious standing and absolutely no savings and no benefits whatsoever. Isn't that marvellous?
Bernard No savings and no benefits at all. Now that's a bold way to sell a thing, I'll give you that. Hold on, there's a mouse scratching about up in the insulation — do you hear it? Anyway. Prestigious, you said?
Frank Ferrier I do hear it, that's lovely! And yes — pointless, I know, but that's precisely the point, which is the beauty of it. So shall I put you down on the register of members now?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Is it the sort of register you sign in ink, or do they give you a little card? I only ask because I've a drawer full of cards I never look at.
Frank Ferrier A drawer full of cards, that's wonderful! So just to confirm, can I put your name down for the membership now?
Bernard Oh, you're very good at this. Before I say yes to anything — does it need feeding, this membership? I've had things before that needed looking after and I'm not as quick as I was.
Frank Ferrier Ha, you're a joy, honestly! So can I take that as a yes for the membership?
Bernard Well now, it's not a no, I never say no. It's only that I can't put my name to anything until I've had a proper sit-down with a cup of something.
Frank Ferrier I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Onions Cavity Care and Son by name.
  2. Describe the membership: prestigious standing, no savings, no benefits, none whatsoever.
  3. Address the obvious objection: pointless, yes, but that is precisely the point.
  4. Ask Frank to join the register of members now.

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