Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #27 · 2026-10-19

Gareth Pemberton
of Lowmoor Habitation Amenities

a pre-loved second staircase for a flat that has only one floor · structural inconvenience

24
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno stock, no stairs, no second floor

“Caller confirmed the product does not exist; customer asked whether it came in green and offered the caller a cup of tea.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pemberton Good evening, am I speaking with the owner of a single-storey property? I'll be quick, it's just a quick confirmation.
Bernard Oh, hello — yes, that's me, bungalow, one floor, that's the one. Are you warm enough out there? Only it's turned quite chilly, and I've just put the kettle on if you fancy a cup.
Gareth Pemberton That's very kind, but I'm fine, thank you. The staircase has excellent provenance — lovingly reclaimed, and it creaks only faintly, which the previous owners assure me is very reassuring.
Bernard A staircase, you say? Well now, that's interesting, because Mavis — that's my parrot — she likes a bit of a creak, settles her right down. Does it come in green at all?
Gareth Pemberton Green isn't something I can promise, but here's the thing to picture — installation does mean taking out a wall, and I'm told it's the one holding the roof up.
Bernard The one holding the roof up — oh, that one. Well, I'd have to think about that, it sounds like the roof would have something to say about it. Which wall was it again? I've three, and one of them's mostly window.
Gareth Pemberton I'd be guessing, honestly, I only have the one wall on my sheet. Anyway — the part people love is that the stairs arrive already walked on by a previous owner.
Bernard Already walked on — well, that saves a job, doesn't it. Yes, I'm very interested. Now, would the previous owner mind terribly if Mavis had a go? She's light on her feet, mostly.
Gareth Pemberton I can't imagine anyone minding a parrot. Listen, I should mention the loyalty card — stamp it with every staircase you buy, and you get the next one free.
Bernard A loyalty card, well that's very good of you. Though between you and me, I'm not sure how many staircases a bungalow can take. Still — I'll take the card, if it's going.
Gareth Pemberton That's the spirit. Just to confirm — hold on a moment while I check stock, only I'm not seeing any on the, um. They're saying it doesn't exist.
Bernard Doesn't exist — well, that explains the price, I suppose. You check away, I've nowhere to be. Mind you hold on a minute, my glasses are around here somewhere and I want to read that card properly.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they own a single-storey property.
  2. Describe the staircase's excellent provenance and faint creaking.
  3. Explain installation requires removing a wall that holds the roof up.
  4. Mention the stairs arrive already walked on by a previous owner.
  5. Offer a loyalty card for future staircases they will never need.
  6. Close by asking them to hold while you check stock that does not exist.

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