Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #277 · 2026-10-28

Lorraine Pickles
of Tallentire and Sons, est. 1899

an upgrade to the airing cupboard you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked what the upgrade does; Lorraine lost her place on the sheet and resigned the account to a colleague.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Lorraine Pickles Oh, hello, sorry to bother you, it's Lorraine Pickles from Tallentire and Sons, established 1899, family firm. I'm ringing about your airing cupboard, if that's all right?
Bernard Oh, hello Lorraine, well this is a nice surprise. No gutters then? Only I've been expecting somebody about the gutters since Tuesday, or was it Thursday. The airing cupboard, you say — I was just in there, it does smell of warm towels, doesn't it.
Lorraine Pickles Ah, no gutters, sorry, that's not us today. Your airing cupboard qualifies for an upgrade you didn't know existed, would you believe? I'll be quick, it's all above board.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it — no, go on. An upgrade nobody told me about, that's a new one on me. How did you come by that?
Lorraine Pickles No, that's completely normal, not knowing — ownership is implied, so the qualifying just happened on its own. And you've been in there smelling the towels, haven't you, so it's already yours.
Bernard Ownership implied, right, that's the sort of thing that happens on its own, isn't it. Now, does this business of yours need anything doing to it, or does it just sit there quietly? I don't want anything that wants feeding.
Lorraine Pickles Nothing to feed, I promise, it just sits there quietly. So would you approve it today, just a yes and I can put you down — sorry, is that the right bit of the sheet?
Bernard Oh, well, now, hold on a moment. It's not that I'm saying no, mind — I'd want to know what it actually does before I put my name to anything. What does the upgrade do, exactly?
Lorraine Pickles Oh. Right, yes, that's a fair question, and I should know that. I think it's the bit that, um, airs things, and I'm sorry, I've gone and lost my place on the sheet.
Bernard That's quite all right, you take your time. Would you like a cup of tea while you find your place? No? Well, I'm very interested all the same, so don't you worry about that.
Lorraine Pickles I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself from Tallentire and Sons, established 1899, family firm.
  2. Explain their airing cupboard already qualifies for an upgrade they never knew existed.
  3. Reassure them not knowing about it is normal, as ownership is implied.
  4. Ask if they will approve the upgrade today.

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