Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #269 · 2026-10-27

Kirsty Iyer
of Whitlock Hedgework Ltd

a six-weekly radiator bleed that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 269: Kirsty Iyer of Whitlock Hedgework Ltd, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, half radiator counted whole, caller withdrew

“Bernard offered tea and a drawer of instructions for things he no longer owns; caller blamed the line and hung up on a working phone.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kirsty Iyer Hello, Kirsty Iyer from Whitlock Hedgework Ltd. I'm nearby and spotted your radiators, so I wanted a word about those.
Bernard Ah, well, now, is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only the garden gate sticks in wet weather, so I'd come round the side if I were you. Radiators, did you say? I've got one in the hall that clanks like a milk float.
Kirsty Iyer I'm not at any door, Bernard, it's a phone call. Per policy six-one-two, the six-weekly bleed simply arrives unbidden, as a courtesy, so there's no gate involved at all.
Bernard Unbidden, you say. Oh, that's very good of you. And what's a six-weekly bleed when it's at home — is that six times a week, or every six of something else? I'd have to think about it, mind, but do go on.
Kirsty Iyer Six weeks between visits, Bernard, not six a week. You said nobody asked for it, and that's precisely the courtesy, as set out in policy four-oh-nine.
Bernard Well, a knock at the door's always welcome here, asked for or not. Would whoever comes want a cup of tea while they're at it? I've a drawer full of instructions for things I no longer own, if that sort of thing helps your policy.
Kirsty Iyer There's no need for the drawer or the tea, thank you. Just to confirm, could you give me your radiator count so I can schedule the first visit?
Bernard Oh, let me have a proper think. Two in the front room, one in the hall, one in the bedroom, and there's a small one in the bathroom that I'm not entirely sure about. So that's four and a half, if you like.
Kirsty Iyer Four and a half isn't a number the schedule form will take, Bernard. The policy's clear that a half radiator has to be counted as a whole one.
Bernard Five it is, then, and you're very good to sort that out for me. Do the visits need anything from me at all, or do they just get on quietly by themselves?
Kirsty Iyer I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning you're in the area and noticed their radiators.
  2. Explain the six-weekly bleed arrives unbidden as a courtesy.
  3. Address the objection that nobody asked: that's precisely the courtesy.
  4. Ask them to confirm the radiator count so the first visit can be scheduled.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →