Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #267 · 2026-10-27

Euan Sithole
of Gopal Fencing and Son

an annual inspection of a hedge you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 267: Euan Sithole of Gopal Fencing and Son, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno hedge, no sale, no signal

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a warning about the path; the caller offered an inspection of a hedge that does not exist, then lost the connection he was never on.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Euan Sithole Hello there, Euan Sithole here from Gopal Fencing and Son, ringing about your annual hedge inspection — brilliant news, I just need to check you're the householder and not a hedge owner.
Bernard Well, I don't get many calls. Take your time. Householder, yes, that's me — though I've never owned a hedge, if that's the thing. Hold on, the front path's got a slab that rocks something dreadful. Am I meant to be the hedge or the house?
Euan Sithole Ha, brilliant, a rocking slab, that's excellent feedback. You're the house, don't worry — and the annual hedge inspection just covers any hedges you don't have, which is lovely and straightforward.
Bernard That is nice and clear, thank you. So it's a sort of inspecting of the nothing, is it? Mind you, I've had a poke round the garden and I can't find any hedge at all. Would it need feeding, this inspection?
Euan Sithole Ha, you've caught me out there — sorry, that was a bit muddled. The hedge can't be located simply because there isn't one, and honestly that's the tidiest result we could hope for.
Bernard Ah, so it's all tidied up before you've started. Very efficient. My late wife would have admired that. Now, would you like a cup of tea while you're here? The path's a bit uneven so mind your step coming in.
Euan Sithole That's kind of you, though I'm only on the phone, so I'll pass on the tea. Look, could you approve the inspection anyway, just for the record?
Bernard Oh, I see — on the phone, of course. Well, approving it sounds very reasonable. I'd have to think about it properly, mind. And would it come in green, this inspection? Only I'm rather fond of green.
Euan Sithole Green's a lovely thought, I'll note that down. Honestly, this hasn't gone how the sheet said at all, and I've run out of things to try, so I'll just
Bernard Sorry to hear that, I really am. I was very interested, honestly. You go on now, and mind the traffic out there.
Euan Sithole Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they are the householder, not a hedge owner.
  2. Explain the annual hedge inspection covers hedges they do not have.
  3. Address the objection: the hedge cannot be found because it never existed.
  4. Ask them to approve the inspection anyway, for the record.

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