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Call #266 · 2026-10-27

Fergus Yelland
of Harkness Brothers, est. 1911

a certificate confirming a conservatory roof is suitable for its address · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 266: Fergus Yelland of Harkness Brothers, est. 1911, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard offered the caller tea and a large-print certificate; the caller lost his own paperwork and left.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Fergus Yelland Hello, sorry to bother you, my name's Fergus Yelland from Harkness Brothers, established 1911. I'm ringing about the conservatory roof at your address, if that's alright.
Bernard Now then. Who gave you this number? Only I don't have a conservatory, you see, I've got a little lean-to at the back where the washing line comes in — one peg's broken, been meaning to see to it. What was it you wanted to tell me about the roof?
Fergus Yelland Oh, a lean-to, right, sorry, that's probably fine actually. But the thing is, Harkness Brothers issues a certificate, and it confirms the roof at your address is suitable for that address. That's the whole, that's the service, really.
Bernard Well, that's very thorough of you. But I'd have thought the roof knows its own address by now, it's been up there since before I was. Does the certificate need feeding at all? Only I've got a bird indoors and she's particular.
Fergus Yelland Ha, no, it doesn't need feeding. I know it sounds daft, you knowing your own roof's up there, but the certificate's just a bit of paper saying it's suitable, in case anyone asks. That's what I'm told to say, anyway.
Bernard Oh, I see, it's for the asking. Now you've said that, that makes more sense than the first way you said it. Hold on, I've got a shelf in the pantry with a tin nobody's opened in years — is it like that, a thing that just sits there being official?
Fergus Yelland Yes! Exactly like that, a tin that just sits there being official. So if I could just take a yes from you, and then confirm where the certificate should be posted — that's my last bit, sorry.
Bernard A yes, well, I'm very interested, I am. It'd go to this address here, same as the roof. Though I should say, my left ear's not what it was, so if you post it, put it in big letters. Now, do you take tea while you're at it?
Fergus Yelland That's very kind, but I can't stop for a drink. So that's a yes for the certificate, posted here in large letters — and I just need to, sorry, I've gone and misfiled my own bit of paper now.
Bernard That's alright, take your time. Oh — sorry to hear it, you sounded a bit out of sorts there. Well, I was very interested, I really was. You mind the traffic on the way home, now.
Fergus Yelland Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you're speaking to whoever owns the conservatory at that address.
  2. Explain Harkness Brothers issues a certificate confirming the conservatory roof suits its address.
  3. Counter the obvious point that they already know their own roof exists.
  4. Ask for the yes and confirm where the certificate should be posted.

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