Call #265 · 2026-10-27
Mere Hawea
of The Trust for Threshold Relief
a membership with no benefits and no refunds · membership
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew
“Bernard offered the caller a bucket, a colour, and a cousin; the caller declined all three and left.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Mere Hawea
Good evening, this is Mere Hawea from The Trust for Threshold Relief, and we're making contact about membership.
Bernard
Oh, evening to you. Are you selling, or asking? Only I like to know which before I put the kettle on, and I've got the ironing board out behind the door so mind the step if you're coming round.
Mere Hawea
Ha, no step for us, we're on the phones all evening — and it's the Trust for Threshold Relief, team leader since Monday, so you're in good hands. We're offering membership, purely on prestige, no benefits of any kind.
Bernard
No benefits at all? Well, that's frank of you. So what does a body actually get for their money, apart from the warm feeling?
Mere Hawea
That's exactly the objection we hear, and it's the point — nothing at all, no benefits, and no refunds either. The whole floor agrees it's cleaner that way.
Bernard
Clean, yes, I can see that. My shed roof's not clean, mind — there's a bucket under it and it's been catching all week. Would the membership help with a bucket?
Mere Hawea
Not the bucket, no, that's rather outside what we do. So just to put it to you plainly — will you join the membership now?
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about it, that's a big old yes to say down a phone. Would it come in green at all? Or would green be extra, on account of there being no benefits?
Mere Hawea
That colour would cost extra, since nothing comes with it. We can pass that up the line for you, as a kindness.
Bernard
Pass it up, yes, that's very good of you. Now, before I say anything definite — did you say your name was Weary? Only I've a cousin by that name, and it's a lovely one.
Mere Hawea
Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by introducing yourself and the Trust for Threshold Relief warmly.
- Offer membership that confers no benefits, sold purely on prestige.
- Address the objection: no benefits is the point, no refunds either.
- Ask for the yes to join the membership now.
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