Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #264 · 2026-10-27

Maureen Pinnock
of Quillan Vale Continuity Bureau

a replacement for a washing machine that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 264: Maureen Pinnock of Quillan Vale Continuity Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller exited by post

“Bernard offered the caller a bird, a shed padlock and a lost key; the caller chose the postal service over the delivery slot.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Maureen Pinnock Maureen Pinnock, Quillan Vale Continuity Bureau. Ringing about your washing machine, which I gather is working perfectly well.
Bernard Oh, that's very good of you to notice. Hold on, let me just turn the radio down — there. Working perfectly well, yes, it hums away in the corner like it's pleased with itself. What was it you wanted to do with it?
Maureen Pinnock Pleased with itself is good, that's exactly the sort of machine we like. So the replacement programme takes a working unit like yours out of service early and puts a newer one in its place.
Bernard Well, now, that's a bit like swapping a good pair of boots, isn't it. I'm very interested, mind. Would the new one be all right do you think if there's a bird in the front room? She's particular about sudden noises.
Maureen Pinnock A bird in the front room is fine, we don't ask about pets. I'll be quick, then — the replacement needs a delivery slot, so just say yes and I'll put you down.
Bernard Quick is it? Oh, well, I'd have to think about it — I'm not one for rushing into things. You've got a lovely voice for this, by the way. Have you had a long day of it?
Maureen Pinnock Long enough. I'll be quick — a working machine like yours being taken out early shows real foresight, that's how we see it. So shall I put you down for the delivery slot, yes?
Bernard Foresight, that's kind. My father always said I had the wrong sort — he said I'd forget my own head. Mind you, I got the shed padlock put on last winter and then lost the key, so perhaps he had a point.
Maureen Pinnock Right, that's the spirit. So shall I put you down for a yes?
Bernard Oh — I'm sorry, I'm not quite with you, you've rather lost me at the last turn. Was it a yes to the boots or the bird?
Maureen Pinnock I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder at the registered address.
  2. Explain the Bureau's replacement washing machine programme for machines still in working order.
  3. Address the objection that the machine is fine by praising its foresight.
  4. Ask for the yes: authorise the replacement machine's delivery slot.

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