Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #263 · 2026-10-27

Gillian Asquith
of The National Council of Chartered Porch Assessors

a annual boiler noise reports subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 263: Gillian Asquith of The National Council of Chartered Porch Assessors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no agreement, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked for a louder boiler report on account of being deaf on the left; Gillian wrote it on her printout and passed him to a colleague who deals with the difficult ones.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gillian Asquith Hello, this is Gillian Asquith from The National Council of Chartered Porch Assessors. I need to confirm I have the boiler noise reporting line and the correct address on file.
Bernard Oh, hello Gillian. No, it's not the gutters then — well, that's a relief, I've had a letter about the hedge and I've been putting off opening it. What was the address you've got?
Gillian Asquith I'll be quick, since I have your line listed at the address on my sheet here. Now, the annual boiler noise reports give you a full year's record of your boiler's sounds, and per clause fourteen-B the subscription renews itself so you never have to file the paperwork again.
Bernard Renews itself, you say. Well, that's very good of it. Does it come with a little booklet, or is it more of a — sorry, you said clause what?
Gillian Asquith You said you never ordered anything, but the subscription provision in section fourteen-B carries on regardless of the original request — that's the bit people always miss. So, can I put you down as a yes to keeping it running?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. I mean, a whole year of noises — would it pick up the squirrel? He's been at the feeder again and he makes a dreadful clatter.
Gillian Asquith The reports cover boiler noises specifically, not squirrels — I mention that because people ask. Just to confirm, can I keep the subscription open for another year, yes or no?
Bernard Oh, I see, boiler only. Well, that's sensible, isn't it. Now — is there a chance of it in a louder version? Only I'm a bit deaf on the left, and I don't want to miss it.
Gillian Asquith There is no louder version on the schedule, I'm afraid, though I've written that request on my printout. Honestly, I'm not getting anywhere with this, so I'll pass it to a colleague who deals with the difficult ones and leave you to your evening.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that — I really was very interested, you've been most patient. You mind the traffic on your way home, won't you.
Gillian Asquith I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have the boiler noise reporting line and their address.
  2. Explain the annual boiler noise reports and the automatic renewal that saves them paperwork.
  3. Address the objection that they never ordered reports by citing the renewal clause.
  4. Ask for the yes to keep the subscription running for another year.

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