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Call #261 · 2026-10-27

Ingrid Ottley
of Mowbray Porch Maintenance Ltd

a certificate confirming a back step is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
61%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 261: Ingrid Ottley of Mowbray Porch Maintenance Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no refusal, boiler consulted

“Bernard offered the caller tea and asked whether the certificate came in green; the caller declined both and left the boiler to it.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ingrid Ottley Oh, hello there! Ingrid Ottley, Mowbray Porch Maintenance — I'm ringing about your back step, and I'm already thrilled about it.
Bernard Oh, hello! Well, I'm in the cupboard under the stairs, so you'll have to bear with me — the boiler's been clicking itself awake at night and I wanted a word with it. The back step, you said? Yes, I'm very interested, now what was it again?
Ingrid Ottley That's brilliant, a word with the boiler! So the certificate just sets down that your back step is of sound character — that's the whole of it.
Bernard Sound character, you say. Well, that's good of you. Does it come in green at all? Only the step's got a bit of moss on the left side and I've grown quite fond of it.
Ingrid Ottley Ha, moss is lovely feedback! No need to touch a thing — the step already qualifies as it stands, moss and all.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, because I've nowhere to put anything just now. There's a coal bunker out the back and I've never once looked at what's at the bottom of it. What was the price on this character certificate?
Ingrid Ottley So the only question left is whether you'll take the certificate at the stated price. It's forty dollars, and I'll be quick about it.
Bernard Forty, is it? Well, I'd have to think about it. My glasses have gone wandering again. Would you like a cup of tea while I have a look for them?
Ingrid Ottley I'll let you get back to the glasses, then. I'll ring back another day.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. You mind the traffic on the way home now.
Ingrid Ottley I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and ask if you're speaking about the back step.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the back step's sound character.
  3. Reassure them the step already qualifies, no repairs needed.
  4. Ask if they'll take the certificate at the stated price.

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