Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #259 · 2026-10-27

Neil Harkness
of Fenwick Ghyll Continuity Bureau

an upgrade to a porch you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 259: Neil Harkness of Fenwick Ghyll Continuity Bureau, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno porch, no register, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the porch needed feeding; the caller then lost his own paperwork and closed the file himself.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Neil Harkness Hello, sorry to bother you — Neil Harkness, Fenwick Ghyll Continuity Bureau, about the porch at your property.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Sorry, I was just thinking about something else entirely — you'll have to start again. About the porch, did you say?
Neil Harkness No, that's completely fine, sorry. Yes — so, and sorry if this comes out too fast, but the porch at your property is listed on the Bureau's locality register, and that makes it due an upgrade.
Bernard Listed on a register, is it? Well, that's a new one on me. Is it a nice register, or one of the grubby ones?
Neil Harkness Ha — no, it's a perfectly tidy one, I promise. But yes, I do appreciate you'd probably know if you had a porch at all.
Bernard Well, now you've caught me out, because I'm not certain I have. Unless you count the bit by the gate where the drain gurgles — would that be it?
Neil Harkness I'll be honest, I'm not sure the drain counts. But it's on the entry under your address, so if I could just confirm and get your yes to schedule it this quarter, that's the whole thing done.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it, mind. What was it again — this porch, is it the sort that needs feeding?
Neil Harkness Feeding, no, nothing like that. It's just the standard sort of thing, and I'm — sorry, hold on. I've had this right in front of me the whole call and now it's gone.
Bernard Oh dear, that's a nuisance for you. Never mind — nothing's ever so urgent it can't wait for a cup of tea.
Neil Harkness Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking about the porch at their property.
  2. Explain the porch is listed on the Bureau's locality register and due an upgrade.
  3. Address the objection that they have no porch by citing the register entry.
  4. Ask for their yes to schedule the porch upgrade this quarter.

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