Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #257 · 2026-10-27

Jae Lomax
of The Trust for Garden Gate Restoration

a certificate confirming a coal bunker is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 257: Jae Lomax of The Trust for Garden Gate Restoration, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no yes, caller exited by post

“Bernard asked what he was saying yes to; the caller answered by hanging up and promising the post.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Jae Lomax Good afternoon, Jae Lomax here from The Trust for Garden Gate Restoration, and we're just checking whether that coal bunker of yours has ever been properly looked at.
Bernard Well, you're very clear, I'll say that for you. Coal bunker, is it? I've got a scuttle with a hole in the side, if that's any use to you — no, you'll want the bunker itself. Has it ever been looked at? Not by anyone official, I don't think.
Jae Lomax That's kind of you, and yes, the bunker's the one we mean. As a quick bit of background — I was made team leader on Monday, so you're in good hands — the trust issues certificates stating a coal bunker is free of loft dust.
Bernard Congratulations on the new post, that's nice going. Loft dust, though — is that the attic sort or the other sort? I haven't been up there since the ladder went.
Jae Lomax Both sorts, really, though the certificate keeps it simple. And the lovely thing is it only states what you already know about the bunker — nothing new to learn, no ladders involved.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, I'm not much for ladders. So it just says what I know already. Mind you, half the time I'm not sure what I do know. Would it fit on the shelf by the radio?
Jae Lomax It's shelf-sized, yes — we've checked the dimensions as a team. Which brings us to the bit we'd love your yes on: could we get the certificate sorted for you now?
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, I'd like to help out. Yes, I'm interested, I am. Only the bird's been at the curtain rail and I ought to see to that before I settle to anything.
Jae Lomax That's really encouraging, thank you — though we do need a proper yes to get it moving. We can escalate it up the chain for you as a kindness, but only once you've given the go-ahead.
Bernard You'll think me slow, but what is it I'm saying yes to, exactly? A certificate, is it? I thought you said a certificate, and then something about the gate.
Jae Lomax I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether their coal bunker has ever been properly checked.
  2. Explain the trust issues certificates confirming coal bunkers are loft-dust free.
  3. Reassure that the certificate states what they already know about the bunker.
  4. Ask them to approve the certificate now.

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