Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #254 · 2026-10-27

Malcolm Palgrave
of Pendry Guttering Services

a six-weekly greenhouse condensation subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 254: Malcolm Palgrave of Pendry Guttering Services, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no agreement, caller withdrew to regroup

“Caller conceded the product was a hard sell even in the training booklet; Bernard offered tea and asked whether the subscription came in green.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Malcolm Palgrave Hello, sorry to bother you, it's Malcolm Palgrave from Pendry Guttering Services. I'm ringing about the greenhouse, if that's all right — is this the person who looks after it?
Bernard Oh, the greenhouse, yes, that's me. Well — I've put my glasses down somewhere, so you'll have to bear with me. Say the first bit again, would you?
Malcolm Palgrave Sorry, of course, no problem. It's Malcolm Palgrave, Pendry Guttering Services — and honestly, sorry about all this, I'm still finding my feet. The reason for the call is our six-weekly condensation subscription for greenhouses, which is really just a hands-off convenience — we take care of it, you don't have to think about a thing.
Bernard Condensation, right, I see. Now, my father had a word for that — a subscription, did you say? I had it down as a prescription. It does get ever so damp in there, mind.
Malcolm Palgrave That's the one, a subscription, sorry if I mumbled it. And I know what you're thinking — surely condensation just... happens, why pay anyone? Can I be honest, that one's a bit of a hard sell even in the training booklet.
Bernard Well, that's very honest of you, I must say. I'd have to think about it, though. Does it come in green, this subscription? Only the greenhouse is green, and I like things to match.
Malcolm Palgrave Ha, I'll be honest, nobody's asked me that one before. The thing is, the renewal just carries on by itself, so there's nothing for you to do — could I put you down for the go-ahead?
Bernard Carries on by itself, does it. Oh, now, I've a bird feeder out back and one squirrel that carries on by itself too — never asks, just renews. But I'd have to think. Would you like a cup of tea while I do?
Malcolm Palgrave That's really kind of you, but I don't think I can, honestly. Sorry, look — I'm going to let you have your think, and I'll give you another ring some other day, if that's all right?
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I was very interested. You take care now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Malcolm Palgrave I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the greenhouse owner in person.
  2. Explain the six-weekly condensation subscription, framed as a hands-off convenience.
  3. Address the objection that condensation needs no subscription at all.
  4. State the renewal carries on by itself and ask for the go-ahead.

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