Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #253 · 2026-10-27

Marion Pickles
of The Association of Domestic Threshold Surveyors

a replacement for a chimney that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
23%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 253: Marion Pickles of The Association of Domestic Threshold Surveyors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no certificate, caller lost himself

“Bernard offered the boiler certificate from a tin nobody opens and asked whether chimneys come with paperwork like a dog; the caller thanked him for the feedback.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Marion Pickles Hello there! Marion Pickles, The Association of Domestic Threshold Surveyors — I'm hoping to confirm I'm talking to the person responsible for the chimney.
Bernard Oh, hello! Is it raining where you are? Only I've had the back door open and I can't tell whether to bring the washing in. And the chimney, yes — that's me, I suppose. Well, it's the house's, really.
Marion Pickles That's brilliant, thank you, Bernard — and I'll be quick before any weather turns. We do recommend replacing the chimney as a precaution, so I'd love to get your approval on that today.
Bernard Replace it? Well, I'd have to think about that. It's never given me a moment's trouble, and it's the only thing on this house that's taller than me. What does it want replacing for, exactly?
Marion Pickles Oh, that's lovely feedback. Now — can I just ask, do you have the certificate for that chimney handy? Only without it we can't count it as properly certified.
Bernard Certificate for the chimney? Oh dear. I keep the boiler one in the pantry shelf, in a tin nobody ever opens. Would that be any use? I'm not sure a chimney comes with paperwork, does it, like a dog.
Marion Pickles Brilliant, and it's really the same sort of idea. So if I can just get your approval on the replacement — before the survey window closes, you understand.
Bernard Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again — a survey of the window, or the chimney? Sorry, I've got a bird making a racket in the front room. Hold on, I'm just going to put the phone down a moment.
Marion Pickles No rush at all — just the survey window for the chimney, and a quick yes from you before it shuts.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that. I was very interested, mind, and it's been lovely talking to you — mind the traffic on the way home, won't you. Bye now.
Marion Pickles Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you are speaking to the person responsible for the chimney.
  2. Explain that your association recommends replacing the chimney as a precaution.
  3. Address the objection that the chimney is not broken by questioning its certification.
  4. Ask them to approve the replacement chimney before the survey window closes.

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