Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #252 · 2026-10-27

Siobhan Mabbs
of Asquith and Sons, est. 1911

a certificate confirming a water butt is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
4%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would arrive by post and offered to go out and give the butt a knock; Siobhan asked for a yes and got a maybe.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Siobhan Mabbs Good afternoon, Siobhan Mabbs from Asquith and Sons, trading since 1911. We're on about your water butt and a certificate for it.
Bernard Hold on, let me turn the radio down. There we are. Asquith and Sons, you said — nineteen eleven, that's a good long stretch. Now, what's this about a certificate for the water butt? I've got one out the back, big green thing.
Siobhan Mabbs That's the very thing, sir — the certificate confirms the butt is structurally adequate. We're all agreed on that back at the office, and I've just been made team leader, so you're in good hands.
Bernard Team leader, well done you. Structural... structural what, sorry? My left side's a bit funny today. The butt's been stood there since my brother put it in, and it's never once complained.
Siobhan Mabbs Structural adequacy, sir — that's all it says on it. And it certifies exactly what you've already got; nothing needs changing, nothing needs moving, we're not selling you a new butt.
Bernard Oh, that's a relief, I couldn't shift it anyway. Nothing needs changing, you say. Do you want me to have a look at it first, or do you just take my word? I could go out and give it a knock.
Siobhan Mabbs No need to knock anything, sir — we take your word entirely. Would you like the certificate issued? We can escalate that for you same day, it's no trouble at all.
Bernard Escalate. Now there's a word. Would it come through the post, this certificate, or does it arrive by some other means? Only I'm in most days, so it wouldn't be any bother.
Siobhan Mabbs Through the post, sir, in a stiffened envelope, and we'd put your name on the front of it. All we need is for you to say yes and my whole team will get the paperwork moving.
Bernard Well, that sounds very good of you. Stiffened envelope, my name on the front — very nice. I'd have to think about it, mind. What was the word again, the one about the butt?
Siobhan Mabbs Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Asquith and Sons, trading since 1911.
  2. Explain the water butt certificate confirms the butt is structurally adequate.
  3. Assure them it certifies what they already have, nothing needs changing.
  4. Ask whether they would like the certificate issued.

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