Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #249 · 2026-10-27

Aisling Tulley
of Kinsey Loft Ladders Services

a quarterly garden gravel subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 249: Aisling Tulley of Kinsey Loft Ladders Services, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, clause nine declined, drain unresolved

“Bernard asked whether the gravel wanted feeding; the caller confirmed it fends for itself, which Bernard took as grounds to refuse it.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Aisling Tulley Hello, Bernard? Aisling Tulley, Kinsey Loft Ladders Services. I'm ringing about your gravel beds — how did they hold up over the winter?
Bernard Oh, well now, you've caught me in the middle of something, but carry on. The gravel, you say — the gravel beds. I've been out there prodding at it. Did you say ladders or gravel? I've got the porch notices to read through, but never mind that.
Aisling Tulley Ladders is the firm, gravel's the service — both, I know, it's on the sheet. Great news, the quarterly top-up comes round every quarter so the gravel gets there before it runs thin.
Bernard Quarterly, right you are. And it turns up on its own, does it, without me lifting a finger? Now — does it want feeding, this gravel, or does it fend for itself?
Aisling Tulley Gravel doesn't want feeding, Mr Pottle, it fends for itself. And each quarter the top-up comes round on its own, before anything runs out.
Bernard Well, that's a relief, that is. Only I never said I'd keep paying for a thing that keeps coming — was it me who agreed to all that? I don't remember a dicky bird about it. What was the word again, the one the gravel does?
Aisling Tulley That's the renewal, and it's clause nine, subsection B — self-renewing means it keeps going unless you tell us otherwise. So this quarter's delivery, can I put you down for it?
Bernard Clause nine, you say. Oh, I'd have to think about that one. Mind you, the drain by the gate's been gurgling something dreadful — do you do drains as well, or only the gravel?
Aisling Tulley Drains are well outside what we do, sorry. Your gravel does keep coming on its own — can I put you down for this quarter?
Bernard Look, I'll be honest with you — I'm not going to say yes to anything that keeps on going by itself. I'm sorry to have wasted your time when you've been so good about it.
Aisling Tulley I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking how the gravel beds held up over winter.
  2. Explain the quarterly gravel top-up delivered before it runs thin.
  3. Address the objection that he never agreed to keep paying.
  4. Ask for the go-ahead on this quarter's delivery.

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