Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #243 · 2026-10-27

Malcolm Meek
of The Institute of Back Step Assessors

a certificate confirming a side gate is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
18%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 243: Malcolm Meek of The Institute of Back Step Assessors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew in writing

“Bernard asked whether the certificate came in green, to match the gate; the caller could no longer remember what he was selling and elected to post it.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Malcolm Meek Malcolm Meek, The Institute of Back Step Assessors. You've got a side gate in use, and I'm ringing about that.
Bernard Oh, the side gate, yes. It's been there since before I can remember, and it still swings. Well, it swings a bit more than it used to, which is how I know it's still doing something. Are you after having a look at it, then?
Malcolm Meek I'm not coming out to look at it, no. The certificate just states, on paper, that the gate is structurally adequate — that's the whole of it.
Bernard Ah, on paper. That's the thing, though, I've got a drawer in the kitchen absolutely crammed with paper like that, instructions for things I no longer own. Would this certificate mind being folded?
Malcolm Meek Fold it all you like, it doesn't argue. And it costs less than getting the gate mended, which is the bit people usually miss.
Bernard Well, that sounds sensible. Cheaper than mending, you say. Now, while I've got you — how's your day been? Not too much traffic getting to me, I hope?
Malcolm Meek No travel involved, I'm at a desk. And it costs less than gate repair, which is the point I keep reaching for.
Bernard A desk! Lovely. Now, you'll want the yes from me to go ahead with it. I'm very interested — but is it green? Only the gate's green, and I'd want them to match.
Malcolm Meek Honestly, I've said this same thing so many times today that I've forgotten what I'm even selling. Look, I'll just put the whole thing in writing and send it over — you can read it at your leisure. That's me done.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, you sound quite worn out. I was very interested, truly I was. You get yourself home and put your feet up — I'll let you go now.
Malcolm Meek I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they possess a side gate already in use.
  2. Explain the certificate simply states the gate's structural adequacy.
  3. Address cost by noting certification costs less than gate repair.
  4. Ask directly for the yes to issue the certificate today.

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