Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #24 · 2026-10-19

Deborah Crump
of Quillan & Marsh Household Register

a loft hatch inspection for a loft you have never entered · loft hatch inspection

27
Minutes on the line
24%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictunverified hatch, unverified interest, call closed

“Caller offered a two-year inspection cycle for a loft nobody opens; customer asked if the sticker came in green and warned us about the road.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Deborah Crump Good evening, this is Deborah Crump from Quillan & Marsh Household Register — I'm just calling to confirm you're the owner of the loft hatch at your property?
Bernard Oh — hello! Yes, that's me, I'm the owner all right. Well, I own the bungalow, so I suppose the hatch comes with it. It's up there on the landing, I've never been up. Would you like a cup of tea while we talk?
Deborah Crump That's very kind, but no thank you. The thing is, sir, our records show that hatch of yours is listed as unverified, and an unverified hatch is technically inadvisable, I'm afraid.
Bernard Unverified, is it? Oh dear. Now, what does that mean exactly — is it the little square door, or the hole behind it? Only there's a draught comes through it in February. Inadvisable, you said. Would that be the same as dangerous, or a different sort of thing?
Deborah Crump I'm not able to say it's dangerous, sir, that's not a word we use. What I can offer is our two-year inspection cycle for a hatch nobody opens — which I think suits your situation nicely.
Bernard Two years, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Now, is that two years from today, or two years from the last time? Only I'm not sure there's ever been a last time. Hold on — the kettle's just clicked.
Deborah Crump Two years from today, that's from today. And I should reassure you, sir, the loft itself remains entirely unexplored — we don't go up there, nobody goes up there, that's the whole point.
Bernard Entirely unexplored — well, that's a relief. I did wonder whether there were things up there. My Mavis, the parrot, she shouts at that ceiling sometimes and I've never known why. So nobody's even had a look? Not once, in all this time?
Deborah Crump Not once, sir, that's correct. So what I'd like to ask is whether you'd like a sticker placed on the hatch — just a small one, noting its status.
Bernard A sticker! Oh, I like the sound of that. Does it come in green? Only my kitchen's green and it'd be nice if things matched. And would it be all right on a bungalow, or is it more of a house thing?
Deborah Crump I'll put you down as a maybe on the green. And I should mention the neighbours' hatches were all done last spring, so you'd be in good company.
Bernard The neighbours' were done, were they? Well — nobody tells me anything. Was that the Larkins' place or the one with the big van? Oh — hold on, I've got the wrong end of it. Mind the traffic if you're coming round this way, the road's up.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they own the loft hatch in question.
  2. Explain that the hatch is unverified and technically inadvisable.
  3. Offer a two-year inspection cycle for a hatch nobody opens.
  4. Reassure them the loft itself remains entirely unexplored.
  5. Ask if they would like a sticker placed on the hatch.
  6. Mention the neighbours' hatches were done last spring.

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