Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #23 · 2026-10-19

Geraldine Thripp
of Mossbank Habitation Niceties

a subscription for a stair gate nobody owns · home safety retainer

21
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no gate, no stairwell registered

“Caller went off-script to concede she had never before imagined two non-existent gates being friends; lead remains under consideration at neighbour's steeper stairwell.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Geraldine Thripp Good evening, this is Geraldine Thripp from Mossbank Habitation Niceties — and I'm told the phone was ringing, so I'm glad you picked up. I'll be quick, because I have great news about your home safety.
Bernard Oh, well, that's very good of you — hello. Geraldine, did you say? I had the radio on rather loud, so you might have to go a bit steady with me. Mossbank Habitation... now is that the one near the garden centre?
Geraldine Thripp It's not near a garden centre, Bernard, but that's quite all right. Just to confirm — you don't currently have a stair gate in the home, is that right?
Bernard No, no gate, that's right. Mind you, I've only the one stair and it's more of a step, really. Mavis goes up it sideways, which is a sight. Why do you ask — has one gone missing?
Geraldine Thripp Nothing's gone missing, no need to worry. The monthly fee covers the upkeep and maintenance of your stair gate, which — since there isn't one — is work that simply cannot occur.
Bernard Ah, I see. So I'd be paying for the looking-after of a thing that isn't there. Well, that's very thorough of you. Does that include polishing, or is it more of a paperwork arrangement?
Geraldine Thripp Now, and I should be clear on this — the gate itself isn't included in the subscription. It isn't included at any point, actually, and never will be.
Bernard Well, that's honest, and I like honesty. So I'm not to expect a gate turning up. Would it come in green, do you think, if it ever did? Only the shed's green and I'm partial to it.
Geraldine Thripp Honesty is rather our thing, so with that in mind — the premium tier. That one covers a second imagined gate, on the same empty stairwell, for only a few dollars more a month.
Bernard Oh, a second one. Now you've lost me a bit — would the two of them get along, do you think? Mavis is fussy about new things in the house. She shouted at the hoover for a fortnight.
Geraldine Thripp I'll be honest with you, Bernard — I've been on this call a while now and I'm not sure I've ever pictured two gates that don't exist being friends before. Sorry, that's me going off-script. Back to it: to finish up, which empty stairwell shall I register you for?
Bernard Ha! No, fair enough, I've had you off the path there. Now, which stairwell — well, that's the thing, I'd have to have a proper think. Could I be registered at my neighbour's instead? She's got ever such a steep one.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and Mossbank Habitation Niceties warmly.
  2. Confirm they currently have no stair gate in the home.
  3. Explain the monthly fee covers gate maintenance that cannot occur.
  4. Mention the gate is not included and never will be.
  5. Offer the premium tier for a second imagined gate.
  6. Close by asking which empty stairwell to register.

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