Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #235 · 2026-10-26

Pauline Yeardley
of Barrowmere Dwelling Bureau

an upgrade to a water butt you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 235: Pauline Yeardley of Barrowmere Dwelling Bureau, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, referral to colleague, no exit

“Bernard asked whether the butt needed feeding; the caller asked him to say yes to a thing he could not name.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Pauline Yeardley Hello, sorry to bother you, it's Pauline Yeardley from Barrowmere Dwelling Bureau. I'm calling about your registered water butt, if that's all right?
Bernard Oh, hello Pauline, how lovely to hear from somebody. A water butt, you say? Now then, is that the thing out the back — no, wait, I've not got one of those. I've got a bird's nest up the chimney and a lot of opinions about it.
Pauline Yeardley Sorry, that's my fault for going too quick. The thing is, the upgrade's applied automatically to a butt you didn't even know you had, so you don't need to have noticed it.
Bernard Applied automatically to a butt I didn't know I had. Well, that's very good of you, that's very efficient. Would it need feeding at all? Because I'm not sure I'd remember. And how does it get on with birds — are they fond of it?
Pauline Yeardley Sorry, I should slow down, I'm new at this. Our records actually list you as having one, so if you could just confirm the upgrade and the new annual charge, we can get it sorted.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. I'm very interested, mind, I just want to be clear — is it the water butt that's new, or the charge? Because my memory's shocking. Oh, hold on, there's somebody at the door. No. No, there isn't. Carry on.
Pauline Yeardley Sorry, that was clumsy of me. Our records do show the butt as yours, so if you could simply say yes, that's honestly all I need.
Bernard Say yes to what, though, that's the thing. You see, I had it in my head it was the meter cupboard you were on about, and I've not looked in there in years — cobwebs the size of dinner plates. What was the word again? The yes word, I mean.
Pauline Yeardley Honestly, I think a colleague will have to take this one. Sorry, Bernard, I'll pass it on.
Bernard Ah, well, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. Mind how you go now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Pauline Yeardley I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself from the Dwelling Bureau, calling about their registered water butt.
  2. Explain the upgrade applies automatically to a butt they didn't know they owned.
  3. Address the objection that they have no water butt by citing the Bureau's records.
  4. Ask them to confirm the upgrade and accept the new annual charge.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →