Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #232 · 2026-10-26

Wei Kowalski
of Fenwick Ghyll Continuity Bureau

an annual inspection of a loft ladder you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no ladder, caller hung up on himself

“Caller asked four times for a yes; Bernard offered the ladder a cup of something and saw him out past the gutter.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Wei Kowalski Wei Kowalski here, from Fenwick Ghyll Continuity Bureau, ringing about the loft access we have on file for your household. Just to confirm I've reached the right place?
Bernard Oh, hello there, yes, you've got the right house all right. Was that the front door or the back door you came to, though? Only the front key sticks something dreadful this weather.
Wei Kowalski Right, well, that's door number one cleared up, so to speak — I'll note it. Now, beat two, and I'll be quick: the annual inspection covers one loft ladder, whether fitted or not, under the schedule as written.
Bernard A ladder, is it? Well now, I'd have to think about that. Does it want feeding, this ladder, or is it more the sort that just sits there quietly?
Wei Kowalski Ah, no feeding involved, no — policy four-oh-two, subsection C, ladders aren't livestock. But to your point about not having one, that's fine: inspections are in fact particularly suited to absent equipment.
Bernard Absent equipment. Right you are. That's like the gutter above the back door — not been up there in years, and it's doing no harm at all. Now, will the inspection want a cup of something?
Wei Kowalski I'll be quick, because I think we're nearly there — will you book the inspection for this year's cycle? It's the fourth and final point on my sheet, and I'd quite like to get to the end of it.
Bernard Oh, well, I'm very interested, very interested indeed. Now, which cycle was that, the fourth one or the twelfth? Only I've got it written in the hall and my glasses are somewhere.
Wei Kowalski Right, I'll just say it plainly — I don't think I'm going to get a yes out of you today, Bernard, and honestly the laminated sheet has given up on me. I'm going to—
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, I really am, and I was very interested, you know. You mind how you go now — and mind the gutter on your way out.
Wei Kowalski Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the household and have their loft access on file.
  2. Explain the annual inspection covers a loft ladder, whether fitted or not.
  3. Address the objection that they have no ladder by noting inspections suit absent equipment.
  4. Ask whether they will book the inspection for this year's cycle.

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