Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #216 · 2026-10-26

Keith Underhill
of Asquith and Daughter, est. 1911

a certificate confirming a hedge is still where you left it · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 216: Keith Underhill of Asquith and Daughter, est. 1911, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller exited

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would need feeding; Keith checked his sheet and found it did not cover the weather either.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Keith Underhill Hello there, Keith Underhill here, from Asquith and Daughter, established 1911 — it's a matter of hedge certification, and I have the sheet in front of me, so nothing to worry about.
Bernard Oh, hello Keith, is it raining where you are? Only my old radio says one thing and the window says another, and I never know which to believe. Hedge, did you say?
Keith Underhill Yes, hedge, and I'll be quick — the certificate simply confirms the hedge's continued whereabouts, signed and dated. And on the weather, I couldn't say; my sheet doesn't cover it.
Bernard Well, it's very good of you to ring about my hedge. It's still there — I looked at it this morning, it hasn't wandered off. What was the word again, whereabouts?
Keith Underhill Yes, and I know you can see it — but policy fourteen-C is clear: seeing is one thing, paperwork proves it. That's rather the point of the whole form.
Bernard Ah, paperwork proves it. That's rather nice, really. Now — would it come in green at all? Only my hedge is a bit dark and I do like things to match.
Keith Underhill It's the form, Bernard, plain as it comes. So — a yes, and the modest fee to certify the hedge stands?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, Keith. Would this certificate of yours need feeding at all? Only I've enough to look after as it is.
Keith Underhill It doesn't need feeding. It's a certificate. And I'll be quick, there's just the yes and the fee to settle.
Bernard Oh, I see. Now, hold on a moment, I've had the phone down to get the front door key out of the lock — it sticks something chronic. Where were we?
Keith Underhill Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by noting the hedge is looking well and ask after it.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms the hedge's continued whereabouts, signed and dated.
  3. Address the objection: yes, you can see it, but paperwork proves it.
  4. Ask for the yes and a modest fee to certify the hedge stands.

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