Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #205 · 2026-10-25

Stuart Tulley
of The National Council of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers

a six-weekly boiler service that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 205: Stuart Tulley of The National Council of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew under own steam

“Bernard asked after Stuart's breakfast and the whereabouts of the calendar; caller ended it himself, citing a future call.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Stuart Tulley Oh, hello, sorry to bother you. It's Stuart Tulley from The National Council of Accredited Coal Bunker Valuers. I'm ringing about your boiler.
Bernard Well, hello there. Is that the front door or the back door you're at? Only the front path floods something dreadful and I'd hate you to spoil your shoes.
Stuart Tulley The door? No, no, I'm not at your door at all. It's just a call, I promise. Sorry, that was clumsy of me. What I'm calling about is your boiler, and here's the thing: the six-weekly service just attends by itself, as a courtesy. No booking, no arranging anything on your part.
Bernard Six-weekly, you say? Well, that's very good of you. And does the fellow knock, or does he just let himself in through the water butt?
Stuart Tulley Oh, he knocks, definitely he knocks. The whole point of arriving unbidden is that it's a safeguard, not an intrusion, and certainly not a surprise charge. Sorry, I'm going a bit fast. Does that make sense? I'm still quite new.
Bernard Oh, not to worry, you're doing grand. Everybody's new at something. Did you get any breakfast in you before you started all this ringing about?
Stuart Tulley That's kind of you to ask. I did, yes, thank you. What I mean is the visit turning up by itself is the whole point of it, and it just stays on the calendar without you doing anything.
Bernard So it stays on the calendar all by itself. Now, would that be the wall calendar in the hall, or have you got one of those in your office?
Stuart Tulley Honestly, I'm not sure I'm explaining this well at all. Can I just ask for a simple yes to keep the next courtesy visit on it? That's all I need from you.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, Stuart, you've been very patient with me. I was very interested, truly. You go and put your feet up now.
Stuart Tulley I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder responsible for the premises' boiler.
  2. Explain the six-weekly service attends automatically as a courtesy, no booking needed.
  3. Reassure that unbidden arrival is the safeguard, not an intrusion or a surprise charge.
  4. Ask for a simple yes to keep the next courtesy visit on the calendar.

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