Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #198 · 2026-10-25

Kwame Palgrave
of Hollinsgrove Holdings

an upgrade to a drain you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 198: Kwame Palgrave of Hollinsgrove Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no surveyor, no Thursday

“Bernard offered the surveyors a cup of something and asked which day; the caller lost his thread and left the drain in the cupboard with the cobwebs.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kwame Palgrave Hello there, Kwame Palgrave from Hollinsgrove Holdings! Just ringing to confirm I've got the premises — is that the estate office I'm speaking to?
Bernard Well, now, this is a house, not an office — but I'll take the compliment. Who gave you this number? I was just at the meter cupboard, and the cobwebs in there have got quite out of hand.
Kwame Palgrave Brilliant, a house is even better! So the estate drain you own but never knew about runs right under the property there — isn't that a lovely bit of luck?
Bernard A drain, you say. Under the house. Well, that's a funny thing, because I've been here since the seventies and I've never once tripped over it. Does it come in green?
Kwame Palgrave Ha, that's a good one! Now I know it sounds odd, but that's exactly the feedback we love — you see, the plans wouldn't show it, those old records were never updated, so really it's no wonder you've never tripped over it.
Bernard Oh, I see, so it's a secret drain. Do I need to leave anything out for it, or does it just look after itself? Only I've got a bird in the front room and I'd want them to get on.
Kwame Palgrave Brilliant, a bird, love it. Before the surveyors come round, I just need you to approve the upgrade — can I pop that down as a yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about that. Now, would the surveyors want a cup of something when they arrive? And which day is it they're coming — Thursday, is it?
Kwame Palgrave I'll be honest, I've rather lost my thread today. I'll give you a ring back another day and we'll pick it up fresh then.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly. You mind the traffic on the way home now.
Kwame Palgrave I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached Hollinsgrove Holdings premises.
  2. Explain the estate drain they own but never knew existed.
  3. Dismiss the objection that no such drain appears on any plan.
  4. Ask them to approve the upgrade before the surveyors arrive.

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