Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #196 · 2026-10-25

Trevor Mbeki
of The Association of Chartered Porch Assessors

a fortnightly loft audit that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 196: Trevor Mbeki of The Association of Chartered Porch Assessors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller self-terminated

“Caller cited his own itinerary as the wrong page; Bernard offered tea to an auditor who was never coming.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Trevor Mbeki Bernard, good afternoon, it's Trevor Mbeki at The Association of Chartered Porch Assessors. I'm ringing about your loft, and I think you'll find this rather good news.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Now — the glasses. I've put my glasses down somewhere and I can't for the life of me think where. Say the first bit again, would you?
Trevor Mbeki Of course, Bernard, take your time. The fortnightly loft audit from the Association simply arrives unbidden, as a courtesy, no fuss on your end at all.
Bernard Unbidden. Is that like, er — I've got a bucket under a leak up there as it happens. Would the audit mind the bucket, or would that be in its way?
Trevor Mbeki The audit wouldn't mind the bucket in the slightest, Bernard. Now, I know what you're thinking — you never asked for any loft audit, and that's precisely the beauty of it.
Bernard Oh, I'm not thinking anything of the sort, I'm very interested. Though — sorry, which loft was it again? Only I've a feeling my neighbour's is bigger than mine.
Trevor Mbeki Yours, Bernard, the one over your head. So let's just say the fortnightly audit can begin, and I'll take that as settled on my sheet.
Bernard Well, now, settled's a strong word, I'd want to think about it. Would this auditor want tea when they come? I like to be ready for folk.
Trevor Mbeki Look, the itinerary lists tea and — no, that's the wrong page, forget that. Bernard, I've been at this twenty minutes and honestly, I don't think either of us is getting anywhere.
Bernard Oh, I am sorry to hear that. I was very interested, truly. Well, you get along now, and mind the traffic on the way home.
Trevor Mbeki Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself and the Association, then mention their loft.
  2. Explain the fortnightly loft audit arrives unbidden as a courtesy.
  3. Address the objection that they never requested any loft audit.
  4. Ask them to confirm the fortnightly audit can begin.

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