Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #195 · 2026-10-25

Frank Pinnock
of Cresswell, Oyelaran and Fennimore Loft Boarding Partnership

an annual inspection of a loft hatch you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
9%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 195: Frank Pinnock of Cresswell, Oyelaran and Fennimore Loft Boarding Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no hatch, caller withdrew under own steam

“Caller clarified the hatch needs no feeding; Bernard offered to match it to the bird feeder and the caller let him get back to his afternoon.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Frank Pinnock Good afternoon, this is Frank Pinnock from Cresswell, Oyelaran and Fennimore Loft Boarding Partnership. I'm calling to verify I'm speaking with the property owner rather than a tenant.
Bernard Oh, hello Frank. Yes, I'm the owner — well, the bank and I are, but I'm the one who has to say yes. Before we go on, is this the one about the gutters?
Frank Pinnock No, not gutters — and for the record the Partnership's remit excludes guttering under policy eleven-b, subsection four. This is about our annual inspection of your loft hatch, which covers a hatch you've never once opened.
Bernard Well, that's very good of somebody to keep an eye on it. Is it the brick one at the top, or the sausage one? I do have two, I'm fairly sure.
Frank Pinnock I can hear you may not be able to put your finger on the hatch, and that's quite usual. It doesn't need finding — the inspection covers a hatch you've never opened.
Bernard Oh, that takes a weight off. Only I did go up there once, years ago, and something in the coal bunker had gone green. Anyway. Does it need feeding, this hatch?
Frank Pinnock Nothing needs feeding, I can assure you. So just to book the inspection visit for this year — can I put your name down?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Tell you what, is there a green one? I've always fancied a green hatch, it would match the bird feeder.
Frank Pinnock I don't think this one's going to happen, Mr Pottle.
Bernard Well, that's a shame. I was very interested, I really was. Off you go then, and mind how you get back.
Frank Pinnock Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the property owner, not a tenant.
  2. Explain the annual loft hatch inspection covers a hatch they never open.
  3. Address the obvious objection that they cannot locate the hatch.
  4. Ask for the yes: book the inspection visit for this year.

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