Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #194 · 2026-10-25

Stuart Eriksen
of Hollinsgrove Domestic Bureau

a certificate confirming a chimney is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 194: Stuart Eriksen of Hollinsgrove Domestic Bureau, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, post instead

“Caller offered to escalate the paper question to the whole floor; Bernard asked whether anything would change up there. Nothing did.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Stuart Eriksen Stuart Eriksen, Hollinsgrove Domestic Bureau. We're the team that certifies chimney dust-freeness, and yours is already dust-free, so this is just the paperwork saying so.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. Now, which is it — the front door or the back? Only I've got a scuttle in the hall and I'd hate for you to trip on it.
Stuart Eriksen The back's fine, we'll come round the back. Now, the certificate simply records that your chimney is free of loft dust — it's reassuring, that's the whole point of it.
Bernard Reassuring. Yes. Mind you, nothing's gone wrong with it in forty years, so that's reassuring in itself, isn't it? What would the certificate do, exactly, once it's on the wall?
Stuart Eriksen That's the thing, sir — customers say exactly that, nothing's gone wrong, and the certificate makes that officially so. Can we get yours set down for the chimney today?
Bernard Oh, I'd have to think on it. What sort of paper is it? Only I've got a greenhouse with one cracked pane and I'd want it to match.
Stuart Eriksen We can look at paper stock once it's booked, sir, that's no trouble. As team leader, elected Monday, I can escalate the paper question to the whole floor — but I do need you to say yes to the chimney certificate first.
Bernard Elected Monday, well, congratulations. Only I'm not sure what I'd be saying yes to — nothing's being done to the chimney, is it? Nothing changes up there.
Stuart Eriksen Nothing changes up there, correct — the certificate just states what the chimney already is. Just say yes and we'll put the whole floor on it.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you, I'm very interested. Tell you what, let me have a sit down and think it over, and you get yourself home before the traffic builds up.
Stuart Eriksen I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by identifying yourself as calling from the Hollinsgrove Domestic Bureau.
  2. Explain the chimney dust-free certificate confirms what their chimney already is.
  3. Address the objection that nothing is wrong by stressing the certificate's official reassurance.
  4. Ask them to confirm the certificate for their chimney today.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →