Call #191 · 2026-10-25
Keith Lindqvist
of The National Council of Domestic Threshold Surveyors
a membership with no refunds and no newsletters · membership
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit
“Caller promoted to team leader on Monday; by the end he was asking the floor about a shed padlock.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Keith Lindqvist
Afternoon, Keith Lindqvist, National Council of Domestic Threshold Surveyors. One question for you: which body certifies your domestic thresholds?
Bernard
Right. I'm listening. Mostly. Though you'll have to bear with me, the milk float's just gone past and those brakes of his could wake the dead. Anyway — who certifies my what, sorry?
Keith Lindqvist
That's the one, your domestic thresholds, who puts their name to them. Look, membership of the Council is the prestige standard for threshold surveyors — and I say "we" because I made team leader on Monday.
Bernard
Monday, was it? Well, that's lovely news, well done you. My own threshold's never been shown to anybody, I shouldn't think. Do you take sugar?
Keith Lindqvist
No sugar, thank you. And here's the honest bit — no newsletters, no meetings, no benefits at all, and no refunds. That's rather the point of it.
Bernard
Oh, no newsletters. That's a relief, I've a drawer full of them I never got round to. So what is it I'd be getting, exactly, if it's nothing?
Keith Lindqvist
Look, no newsletters, no meetings, no benefits, no refunds — that's the whole package. Join up now, before your prestige lapses.
Bernard
Well, I wouldn't want it lapsing, whatever it's doing. Now, does membership come in green at all? Only I've got a shed padlock with no key and I'm wondering if it'd suit.
Keith Lindqvist
I'll put it to the floor for you, as a kindness. But the ask is still the same — join now, before the standing lapses.
Bernard
That's very kind, asking on my behalf. I'd have to think about it, though — I'm interested, truly. Would it settle in with the bird, do you reckon?
Keith Lindqvist
I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by asking which body currently certifies their domestic thresholds.
- Pitch membership of the Council as the prestige standard for threshold surveyors.
- Concede no newsletters, no meetings, no benefits, no refunds — that's the point.
- Ask them to join now, before their threshold prestige lapses.
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