Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #185 · 2026-10-25

Cian Ncube
of Tulley, Achebe and Thripp Loft Ladders Partnership

a replacement for a shed that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
41%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 185: Cian Ncube of Tulley, Achebe and Thripp Loft Ladders Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit, line blamed

“Bernard asked whether the new shed would have eaves; the caller confirmed eaves come as standard and the robin is catered for.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Cian Ncube Cian Ncube here, Tulley, Achebe and Thripp Loft Ladders Partnership. I'm ringing about the shed we have on file for you, so let's get that confirmed and move straight on.
Bernard Oh, the shed, yes. You've caught me in the middle of something — the side gate's playing up again, only opens inwards, which is no good when you're coming back with an armful of things. But carry on, carry on. What was it about the shed?
Cian Ncube Sorry to hear about the gate, Bernard, but the shed's the thing. We're offering a replacement shed for sheds that still stand — that's the whole point of it.
Bernard A replacement for a shed that still stands. Well, that's a new one on me. Ours stands very well, thank you, it's been there since — oh, must be nineteen seventy-something. Sorry, what was the word you used? Replacement, was it?
Cian Ncube Yes, Bernard, and before you tell me it's perfectly fine — I know it's fine, they always are. That's rather the point of the offer: we replace the ones that don't need it, so you get the new shed without the fuss of it falling down first.
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about that. Though it does seem a shame to lose the old one — the robin's got rather fond of the eaves on it. Would the new one have eaves? Or does it come without?
Cian Ncube Eaves come as standard, Bernard, so the robin's catered for. Now, give me the word and I'll put the swap in the book — when suits you?
Bernard Oh. Well, now — hold on a moment. Did you say it comes in green? The old one's green, and I'm rather attached to it, silly as that sounds.
Cian Ncube We'll do it in the colour you want, Bernard, no trouble at all. Just say the word and the swap's in the book.
Bernard You're very good to me, you really are. It's just — I promised our Sandra I'd not go making decisions without a cup of tea in me, and I've not had one. Would you mind terribly if I rang you back?
Cian Ncube I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming they own the shed you have on file.
  2. Explain the replacement shed offer for sheds that still stand.
  3. Address the objection that their current shed is perfectly fine.
  4. Ask for the go-ahead to schedule the shed swap.

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