Call #182 · 2026-10-25
Barry Wiredu
of Wiredu Guttering Ltd
an upgrade to a loft ladder you did not know you had · unknown upgrade
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
14%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno ladder located, no date agreed, caller withdrew
“Caller lost his place on the sheet three times; Bernard offered him the traffic instead.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Barry Wiredu
Barry Wiredu, Wiredu Guttering Ltd. Quick routine follow-up on the gutters — have you got a loft ladder fitted?
Bernard
Well, now, that's a question and a half. I've got a loft, I've certainly got that, but whether there's a ladder in it is another matter — I don't go up there, the birds have got the chimney pot and I don't like to disturb them. Who did you say you were with?
Barry Wiredu
Right, and it's on file regardless — but the important bit: your ladder qualifies for the unseen upgrade fitted alongside that other job of ours.
Bernard
Unseen, you say. Well, that would explain it, because I've never seen it. Is it a big thing, this upgrade, or does it tuck away tidy? My back step's lower than it looks, so I'd want to know if it needs lifting.
Barry Wiredu
Odd as it sounds, most people never noticed the ladder at all — and under policy fourteen-B, protection you already need still counts as yours. So it tucks or it doesn't, but it's already covered by the look of it.
Bernard
Fourteen-B, right you are. Now, would this business of yours want feeding, or does it look after itself? Only I've had things in this house that needed more looking after than I'd bargained for.
Barry Wiredu
I've lost my spot on the sheet, I'll be honest — but the one thing I need from you is the fitting date, just to confirm it.
Bernard
Ah, the date. Well, I'd have to think — was it the spring before the bad winter, or after? My sister reckons it was her turn for Christmas that year, but I say it was mine, so you can't trust the family on dates.
Barry Wiredu
I'm not going to get this one, am I. I've read the sheet three times and I still can't find where we are on it.
Bernard
Well, I'm sorry to hear that — I was very interested, truly I was. You go steady on your way back, and mind the traffic.
Barry Wiredu
Forget it. I'm putting the phone down now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by asking whether they have a loft ladder fitted, as a routine guttering check follow-up.
- Explain that their loft ladder qualifies for the unseen upgrade fitted alongside their gutters.
- Concede they may never have noticed the ladder, so the upgrade is protection they already need.
- Ask them to confirm the fitting date so the upgrade can be booked.
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