Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #18 · 2026-10-19

Douglas Meek
of Thistlewood Habitation Compliance Ltd

a loft ladder for a basement flat · safety access

27
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictpencilled in, not in ink, not in a loft

“Caller confirmed property has no loft, no basement and a leaking roof; proceeded to book a survey for a ladder to a ceiling that isn't there.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Douglas Meek Good afternoon, this is Douglas Meek calling from Thistlewood Habitation Compliance Ltd. I'm ringing about loft access, if you've a moment.
Bernard Oh — well, now, that's very good of you. Douglas, is it? I've got the kettle on, so you've caught me at a lovely time. Loft access, you say. Now, is that the firm with the thistles, or the one with the — no, hold on. Say it again for me, dear, my left ear's a bit shy today.
Douglas Meek Thistlewood Habitation Compliance, Mr Pottle, that's the one. I'll be quick — new guidance now requires loft access in all residential basements.
Bernard Bafflements, is it? Right you are. Now — basements. I've never had one of those, I don't think. Unless you count the cupboard under the stairs, but that's mostly Mavis's biscuits and a broken parasol.
Douglas Meek So just to confirm — your flat is below ground level, and there's no loft at all, is that right? I do need that confirmed for the paperwork.
Bernard No loft at all, no. It's all roof up there, and a bit of it leaks over the bathroom. And I'm not below ground — I'm on the ground, more or less. Well, there's a step up to the front door, does that count?
Douglas Meek The ladder installs easily to the ceiling, which is the beauty of it. No fuss, no mess — it simply fixes up to a ceiling that isn't there, in your case.
Bernard A ceiling that isn't there. Well! That's clever, that. Would it be much trouble to fit, then — and does it come in green? Only the kitchen's green, and I'd hate it to look out of place.
Douglas Meek Green's no trouble at all, I'll note it down. Now — we're offering a discounted survey visit this Thursday only, so I'd want to get you in before the slots go.
Bernard Thursday, you say. Now, Thursday's when Mavis has her bath, so I'd have to work round that. She's a parrot, mind — she doesn't care for strangers with clipboards. What sort of time were you thinking, dear?
Douglas Meek Morning would be best, before Mavis's bath. So — shall I pencil you in for the Thursday survey, then?
Bernard Oh, you can pencil me in, that's very good of you. I'd have to think about it properly, mind — but pencil's not ink, is it. What do I need to have ready for this survey?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as calling from Thistlewood Habitation Compliance.
  2. Explain new guidance requires loft access in all residential basements.
  3. Confirm the flat is below ground level and has no loft.
  4. Stress the ladder installs easily to a ceiling that isn't there.
  5. Offer a discounted survey visit this Thursday only.
  6. Ask if they'd like to pencil in the non-existent appointment.

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