Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #17 · 2026-10-18

Gerald Asquith
of Pimlico Void & Threshold Administration

an annual tenancy review for a doormat you no longer own · tenancy review

24
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no mat, file open indefinitely

“Caller offered a twelve-month silence certificate; customer asked if it came in green, and the file was opened a second time.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gerald Asquith Good afternoon, this is Gerald Asquith at Pimlico Void & Threshold Administration — I'll be quick. Could you confirm, for the record, the last known address and condition of your doormat?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, now — which doormat would that be? We had a brown one at the front and a scratchy one by the back door, and I'm not sure either of them is still about. Would you like a cup of tea while I think?
Gerald Asquith That's very kind, but I'm fine, thank you — the brown one at the front will do for now, if it's all the same. And just to confirm, did that mat ever receive post in its own name?
Bernard Post in its own name? Oh, that's a thought. There was a leaflet for a conservatory company wedged under it once — does that count? Mavis the parrot would have been the only one to read it, mind, and she's not much of a reader.
Gerald Asquith A leaflet wedged under it is a start, so I'll note that down. Now, to be clear, the review we're conducting covers absence, not wear — so we're not looking at the scratchiness, only at whether the mat was there at all.
Bernard Absence, not wear — right you are. Well, I'd have to think about that, because I'm fairly sure it was there, but then it wasn't, so it's the absence we're after, is it? Funny business, doormats. They do come and go.
Gerald Asquith Absence is exactly what we're after, so you've got it. And as a goodwill gesture for the inconvenience, I can offer you a twelve-month silence certificate — that's a full year of certified quiet on the matter.
Bernard A silence certificate — twelve months of it? Goodness, the house could do with a bit of that, Mavis is a terrible one for a racket. Is the certificate green at all? Only the front door's green, and I like things to match.
Gerald Asquith I'll put you down for green, if that helps. Now, I just need the mat's forwarding details — the address it would have gone to after it left you.
Bernard Forwarding details — oh, I'm not sure it ever learned to write. It went in the wheelie bin, if that's any help. Or was it the compost? No — it was the bin. Have I got that wrong? I think it was the second Tuesday, actually.
Gerald Asquith Honestly, I'm not sure it matters — and between us, I don't think these forwarding details ever existed. Sorry, that's not the script — where was I? Ah, yes. The file will remain open indefinitely, Mr Pottle.
Bernard Indefinitely, you say? Well, that's a relief — I like the sound of that, nothing to rush. Will you be keeping the file open at your end, or does it live here with me now? Either way, you must mind the roads on your way home.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Confirm the doormat's last known address and condition.
  2. Ask whether the mat ever received post in its own name.
  3. Explain the review covers absence, not wear.
  4. Offer a twelve-month silence certificate as goodwill.
  5. Request the mat's forwarding details, which do not exist.
  6. Close by noting the file will remain open indefinitely.

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