Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #179 · 2026-10-24

Clive Peckham
of Mbeki Interior Ltd

a replacement for a soakaway that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
6%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 179: Clive Peckham of Mbeki Interior Ltd, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off mid-pitch

“Caller admitted he could not say what colour the product comes in; Bernard offered tea and mentioned the bird.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Clive Peckham Clive Peckham, Mbeki Interior Ltd — ringing about your soakaway. Well, not your soakaway exactly, more the soakaway you'd have if the current one weren't already doing the job.
Bernard Oh, well, now, there was a milk float down our road this morning and the brakes on it were something dreadful — squealed like a barn owl. Sorry, you were saying about the gutters? My hearing's fine on that side, it's the other one that plays up.
Clive Peckham Not gutters, soakaway — new one, better than the one you've got. Honestly, I could do this bit asleep: newer, better, responsible.
Bernard You've lost me at that word, sorry — respon-something. I had a chap round once who said that and then wanted a cup of tea. Do you want a cup of tea? The kitchen's a fright but the milk's fresh.
Clive Peckham I'll skip the tea, thanks. Look, even if nothing's broken, replacement's still the responsible choice — that's the line, and I'm told to say it with a straight face.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you to be so honest about it. Now, is this the thing that comes in green? Only I've a bird in the front room and she takes against anything too shiny.
Clive Peckham You know what, I've said this pitch so many times I could hum it, and I genuinely don't know what colour it comes in. Anyway — can I put you down for the replacement soakaway survey this week?
Bernard This week, oh dear. Let me find my diary — hang on, it's in the drawer with all the instructions, none of which I ever followed. You carry on, I'm listening.
Clive Peckham Honestly, I've got nothing left in me for this one. A colleague will pick it up from here — sorry, Bernard.
Bernard Well, I'm sorry to hear that, I really am. I was very interested, you know, and I hope the rest of your day's a bit kinder. Mind the traffic going home.
Clive Peckham I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you're through to Mbeki Interior Ltd and ask who handles the soakaway.
  2. Explain you're offering a replacement soakaway, newer and better than the one they have.
  3. When they say theirs isn't broken, insist replacement is still the responsible choice.
  4. Ask for a yes to book the replacement soakaway survey this week.

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