Call #173 · 2026-10-24
Kwame Bramble
of The Association of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners
a bundle of a chimney and a tin of paint · bundle
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made
The card
The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.
The thirty seconds
Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.
The manager's note
Verdictno sale, strong maybe, tea declined by phone
“Bernard offered the caller tea; the caller offered Bernard the post; neither offer was taken up.”
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Kwame Bramble
Hello, Kwame Bramble here, from The Association of Licensed Airing Cupboard Examiners. I'm ringing to confirm I have reached the person responsible for cupboard compliance at this address.
Bernard
Oh, well, now, that's a grand title. Are you selling or asking? Only I've had a wasp in the kitchen window since Tuesday and I'm not sure who's in charge of it.
Kwame Bramble
Happy to clarify — I'm asking, and there's no wasp in our remit, that's plain enough. To the business at hand, the joint chimney-and-paint arrangement comes as one inseparable unit, per policy four dash seven.
Bernard
Policy four dash seven, right you are. And the chimney and the paint can't be separated? That's a funny sort of pairing, like eggs and a hat. Which one would I meet first?
Kwame Bramble
The pairing isn't optional, and it's not eggs and a hat — one item gives the shape, the other just dresses it. So, do I authorise the chimney first, with the tin alongside?
Bernard
The chimney first, you say. Well, I'd have to think about that. Does the paint come in green at all? Only the front of the house faces the road and I'd want it to look decent.
Kwame Bramble
Green isn't a question I can answer off the sheet, I'm afraid — the sheet covers the chimney first, tin alongside, nothing about colouring. Can I put you down as a yes, chimney first, tin alongside?
Bernard
Ah, now, put me down as a strong maybe. I've got the notices in the porch there, I'll have a look through those and give it a proper think. Would you like a cup of tea while I do?
Kwame Bramble
A strong maybe won't go on the sheet, Bernard, and I can't take a tea down a phone line. I'll put the whole thing in writing instead and send it to you — goodbye now.
Bernard
I'm sorry to hear that, I really am. I was very interested, so thank you for thinking of me, and mind the traffic on the way back.
Kwame Bramble
I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming you have reached the person responsible for cupboard compliance.
- Explain the joint chimney-and-paint arrangement as one inseparable unit.
- Address the objection that one item is a chimney and the other merely paint.
- Ask for the yes: authorise the pair, chimney first, tin alongside.
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