Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #170 · 2026-10-24

Eileen Jankowski
of The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors

an upgrade to the immersion heater you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 170: Eileen Jankowski of The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller withdrew to fight another day

“Caller established that a yes takes thirty seconds; Bernard asked whether the gate would do and mentioned two men stuck in wet weather.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Eileen Jankowski Hello, Bernard, Eileen Jankowski here from The Institute of Chartered Porch Assessors. Quick one: do you know your immersion heater's current rating?
Bernard Oh, hello there. I'm in the cupboard under the stairs, give me a moment — the loft insulation's got a mouse in it and I was just having a word with him. Now what's this about a heater?
Eileen Jankowski A cupboard's fine, Bernard, I can talk to a man in a cupboard. Now — the Institute's certified upgrade applies to your immersion heater, and it's a proper piece of kit; it's the unknown units that benefit most.
Bernard Unknown units, well, that's me all over. It'd be nice for something to benefit from me for a change. Does it come with a little light on it? Only I've got a cupboard torch and it's not what it was.
Eileen Jankowski Bernard, listen — every single person I speak to starts with the light question, and every single one of them ends up going ahead anyway. Now, I'll be quick: shall we set a day for the assessment upgrade?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Are you anywhere near a window, Eileen? It's turned out lovely here, I've got washing on the line and I don't want to tempt fate by saying so.
Eileen Jankowski That's not an objection, Bernard, that's weather. You know what I tell my floor? A yes takes thirty seconds, and we're thirty seconds in — so what's the day that suits?
Bernard Thirty seconds, is that all? I've had potatoes take longer. Now, would this need to be done in the bathroom, or would the garden gate do? Only it sticks in wet weather and I'd rather not have two men stuck.
Eileen Jankowski The gate works, Bernard — most of mine choose the gate. So let's get you in the diary; tell me the day.
Bernard Hold on — was it a birthday I was meant to remember, or a funeral? I'm sorry, my left ear's not at its best these days.
Eileen Jankowski I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking if they know their immersion heater's current rating.
  2. Explain the Institute's certified upgrade to their unknown immersion heater.
  3. Dismiss the objection that they have no immersion heater.
  4. Ask for their go-ahead to schedule the assessment upgrade.

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