Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #163 · 2026-10-24

Thandi Gaskell
of The National Council of Back Step Assessors

a certificate confirming a fridge is structurally adequate · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew under own steam

“Bernard offered the caller milk and asked whether the certificate wanted a frame; caller declined the milk and rang off, leaving the fridge uncertified and the kettle unattended.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Thandi Gaskell Bernard, hello. Thandi Gaskell at The National Council of Back Step Assessors, and I'm ringing because I'd like this to be the quickest call of your day.
Bernard Well, that's a lovely way to start. You've caught me at a good moment — I've just been watching a robin fussing about up on the chimney pot. Now, the quickest call of the day, you said? What's it about?
Thandi Gaskell The structural adequacy certificate, Bernard. It covers the fridge you already own — the one already in your kitchen — and puts a document behind it saying it's sound.
Bernard A certificate for the fridge — well, that's very good of you. Does it come in a particular shade, or do they only do the one? And would I hang it on the fridge itself, or does it want a frame?
Thandi Gaskell Bernard, here's the thing — there's nothing wrong with your fridge, and I know that's what you're thinking. That's precisely why it's worth having the certificate, because it says so in writing.
Bernard Oh, I see, so it says nothing's wrong with it. Now that's sensible. But I'd have to think about it — is it a large document? Would it fit behind the door, like a bit of paper you keep for the gas man?
Thandi Gaskell Bernard, it's paper-sized, and thinking about it is exactly what I'm trying to save you from. You're a decisive man, I can tell — shall I go ahead and issue it today?
Bernard Decisive, well, my wife always said the opposite. Now, hold on a moment — the kettle's just gone off. Shall I put it on properly and we can carry on? Do you take yours with milk?
Thandi Gaskell I don't, Bernard, I'm afraid I'm between cups on this one. Here's where we were — the certificate covers the fridge you already own, and I'd like to issue it today.
Bernard Between cups — that's a new one on me. I'm very interested, now what was it again — it's for the fridge, and the paper goes behind the door? Forgive me, I've a bit of a whistle in my left ear this morning.
Thandi Gaskell I'll ring you back another day. Bye now.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the householder with the fridge.
  2. Explain the structural adequacy certificate covers the fridge they already own.
  3. Dismiss the objection that nothing is wrong with the fridge.
  4. Ask for the yes to issue the certificate today.

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