Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #162 · 2026-10-24

Kwame Vandeleur
of Kinsey Porch Maintenance Ltd

an annual inspection of a loft ladder you have never used · inspection

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
44%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 162: Kwame Vandeleur of Kinsey Porch Maintenance Ltd, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, ladder unfound

“Bernard offered the caller lunch and a bucket's opinion; the caller offered an inspection of a ladder nobody has located.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Kwame Vandeleur Kwame Vandeleur here, from Kinsey Porch Maintenance Ltd — we're ringing about the loft ladder at the property, and I've got the whole floor with me on this one.
Bernard Well, hello there. Have you had your lunch? I only ask because you sound like a man who's been out in the wind all morning.
Kwame Vandeleur Very kind of you, Bernard, and no, we haven't stopped yet — team leaders don't get lunch, as I'm learning since Monday. The annual inspection just covers safe stowage and the condition of the hinges, nothing more.
Bernard Safe stowage, you say. Well, that's very good of you to take an interest. Hinges, now — would they want oiling, or do they see to themselves?
Kwame Vandeleur That's the sort of thing the inspection looks at, and my team can escalate it as a kindness if there's any doubt. Now, I know what you're going to say next — you've never used the ladder, or even found it.
Bernard Oh, I couldn't tell you where it is, no. There's a bucket under the shed roof that might know something, but it keeps its own counsel.
Kwame Vandeleur And that's exactly the sort of thing we hear a lot, Bernard — the ladder's in a cupboard or a shed somewhere, happily keeping its own counsel, and the household simply has no need to go up there. Shall we just put you down for this year's inspection?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it — my diary's in the hall somewhere. But tell me, would this inspection mind the traffic on the way over?
Kwame Vandeleur It's a short trip for the team, and I honestly couldn't tell you how the roads are, being new to this. Shall we book you in for this year's inspection, Bernard?
Bernard You're new to it? Well, you're doing a grand job, I'd never have guessed. I'm very interested, truly — but I'll let you get on, and mind yourself out there.
Kwame Vandeleur Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the loft ladder owner at the property.
  2. Explain the annual loft ladder inspection covers safe stowage and hinge condition.
  3. Address the objection that they have never used or located the ladder.
  4. Ask for a yes to book this year's loft ladder inspection.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →