Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #160 · 2026-10-24

Mere Pumphrey
of Mossbarrow Group Holdings

an upgrade to the stair carpet you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 160: Mere Pumphrey of Mossbarrow Group Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no sighting, caller withdrew

“Bernard went to look at the stair carpet and found only shadows; the caller closed the file before the bird did.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Mere Pumphrey Hello, Mere Pumphrey here from Mossbarrow Group Holdings. I'm calling about the stair carpet tied to your locality holdings — am I speaking to the right household?
Bernard Now then. Who gave you this number? I wasn't expecting anybody, and the bird's been squawking since noon. Mossbarrow, did you say? Sounds like somewhere with a nice pond.
Mere Pumphrey Ha, brilliant, a pond, I like that. So the stair carpet you hold under your locality holdings has had an upgrade applied to it — completely unbeknownst to you, which is the lovely part.
Bernard Oh, well, now. The stairs. I've not been up them in a while, if I'm honest — well, I have, obviously, I sleep up there. Unbeknownst to me, you say. Is it green? I've always fancied a green stair.
Mere Pumphrey It's not about the shade, Bernard, that's the wonderful bit, it's about the upgrade itself. Now I know what you're thinking — there's no stair carpet here at all.
Bernard You've caught me out, I'll not deny it. I'd have sworn there was nothing on those stairs but bare board. So what's this improvement doing up there without my say-so?
Mere Pumphrey Really good point, well spotted. So the improvement's already sitting on your carpet there whether or not you've seen it — can I put you down as a yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Hold on, let me just pop into the hall and take a look. Don't go away, now.
Mere Pumphrey Take your time, I'll be quick — I mean, I'm here. So just to confirm, when you come back it's a yes to the stair carpet.
Bernard Sorry, I'm back. I had a look up and there's nothing but shadows. I'm very interested, mind — but I can't say yes to a thing I can't see, can I?
Mere Pumphrey Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached Mossbarrow Group Holdings and its locality holdings.
  2. Explain the stair carpet they hold and the upgrade to it.
  3. Handle the objection that no stair carpet is known to exist.
  4. Ask for the yes to the stair carpet upgrade.

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