Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #159 · 2026-10-24

Declan Petrie
of Sandiford Guttering

a annual hedge trim that arrives unbidden · unbidden service

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 159: Declan Petrie of Sandiford Guttering, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, address withheld, caller withdrew to stationery

“Bernard asked whether the unbidden trimmer would let itself round the back, and the caller, a team leader since Monday, said he'd look into it after the call.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Declan Petrie Good afternoon, this is Declan Petrie from Sandiford Guttering, and it's about your hedge. The whole team's behind me on this one.
Bernard Hello? Sorry, I was just in the cupboard under the stairs — hold on. Declan, did you say guttering? Only my drain by the gate gurgles something dreadful when it rains, so you've come to the right house.
Declan Petrie The annual hedge trim, Bernard — it arrives unbidden as a courtesy. I'm team leader as of Monday, so the floor's rather behind this one.
Bernard Unbidden, you say. Well, that's very good of you. Nobody's ever given me anything unbidden, apart from the paper boy's football in the geraniums. Does the trimmer need me to be in, or would it let itself round the back?
Declan Petrie I appreciate that, Bernard, and look, I know the obvious thing is you never asked for a trim. That's rather the point — it's free goodwill, no charge to you at all.
Bernard Free goodwill, right. Oh, now, there's a thing — does it come in green? Only the shed's green and I'd hate it to clash. And I'd have to think about it, mind, I'm not a man who rushes.
Declan Petrie Noted on that, Bernard — I'll have the floor look into it after this call. Just to confirm, could you give us the address so the trimmer knows where to arrive?
Bernard Well, it's the bungalow at the end, past the gurgling drain. Hmm, I'd rather not say the number down the phone, if it's all the same — you hear such things. Could you just follow the gurgle?
Declan Petrie Honestly, Bernard — I've taken that as far as the phone will let me, so I'll put the rest in writing and we'll leave it there. Thanks for your time.
Bernard That's a shame, I was very interested — sorry it's come to that. You take care now, and mind the traffic.
Declan Petrie I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Introduce yourself as Declan Petrie from Sandiford Guttering, calling about your hedge.
  2. Explain the annual hedge trim that arrives unbidden as a courtesy.
  3. Address the obvious objection: you never asked for a trim, so it's free goodwill.
  4. Ask for the yes: confirm your address so the trimmer knows where to arrive.

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