Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #158 · 2026-10-24

Roy Pendry
of The Trust for the Preservation of Porches

a certificate confirming a shed is of sound character · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

The whole call in one image, made for sharing. Right-click or long-press to save it, or use the link.

Share card for call 158: Roy Pendry of The Trust for the Preservation of Porches, 15 minutes.

Save the card

The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

Download the clip (MP4, vertical) · Caption to paste

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no inspection, caller handed off to colleague

“Bernard asked whether the certificate would need feeding; Roy cited policy five-oh-three and then cited the door.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Roy Pendry Hello, this is Roy Pendry calling from The Trust for the Preservation of Porches. I'm ringing to ask a simple question — is your shed still standing and in reasonable nick?
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, now, that's very good of you to ask — and are you warm enough where you're sitting? It's turned bitter out. The shed, yes, it's still up, I was past it this morning and it hasn't fallen over yet.
Roy Pendry I'm quite warm, thank you, though I appreciate the kindness — it's Roy Pendry, by the way, not that we've got to first names. Now then, the trust certifies sheds of sound character, confirming what you already know about your own.
Bernard Confirms what I already know, does it? Well, I'm very interested, now what was it again — sheds of sound character. Is it a certificate you'd put up on the wall, or more of a thing you keep in a drawer with the instruction booklets?
Roy Pendry Either's fine — policy four-one-two, wall or drawer is the household's choice. And great news: the certificate needs no inspection, no changes, no work at all, so nothing to tidy up before we go any further.
Bernard No inspection and no work — that does suit me, I won't pretend it doesn't. Mind you, I'd have to tidy the path to the side gate, the thing only opens inwards and there's a shrub got rather bold. But if you're not coming to look, I suppose that's that.
Roy Pendry That's just it — no visit, so the bold shrub stays your business entirely. So just to confirm, will you say yes to a certificate for the shed you already have?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but yes, I'm very taken with it. Now — would it need feeding at all, this certificate? Only I've had trouble before with things that want looking after.
Roy Pendry Nothing of the sort is needed, I promise — policy five-oh-three. So, shall I put you down as a yes?
Bernard Oh, I wouldn't go that far, not down as anything. I'd want to see it first, and think on it in the quiet. What was the figure again — five-oh-something, was it?
Roy Pendry I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether their shed is still standing and in reasonable nick.
  2. Explain the trust certifies sheds of sound character, confirming what they already know.
  3. Reassure the certificate needs no inspection, no changes, no work at all.
  4. Ask them to say yes to a certificate for the shed they already have.

Leaderboard · All calls · ← previous · next →