Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #151 · 2026-10-24

Lorraine Ottley
of Bellhouse, Vanterpool and Eriksen Chimney Sweeping Partnership

an upgrade to a soakaway you did not know you had · unknown upgrade

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
12%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 151: Lorraine Ottley of Bellhouse, Vanterpool and Eriksen Chimney Sweeping Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, caller handed off mid-script

“Bernard asked whether the soakaway wanted feeding; caller lost his place and referred the bird to a colleague.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Lorraine Ottley Hello, sorry to bother you, this is Lorraine Ottley from Bellhouse, Vanterpool and Eriksen Chimney Sweeping Partnership. It's about your soakaway — when was it last upgraded?
Bernard Oh, well now — are you selling me something, or asking me? I only ask because I like to know which way round a call is going before I settle in. Soakaway, you said?
Lorraine Ottley Oh, no, not selling as such — well, it's an upgrade, so I suppose it is, sorry. The unseen soakaway upgrade sits beneath your existing drainage, so there's no digging needed at all, apparently.
Bernard Beneath my drainage, is it? That's very clever. And no digging, you say — well, that's a blessing, because my garden gate sticks something dreadful in the wet. Would your people need to get past that, do you think?
Lorraine Ottley No, nobody needs to get past anything, honestly — it's all beneath, so your gate's safe. And just to confirm, it falls outside the sweep's remit, which is why your sweep has simply never mentioned it.
Bernard That would explain it — he's a nice lad but he never says much beyond the weather. Now, does this upgrade of yours need anything doing to it, or does it just sit there quietly being unseen?
Lorraine Ottley Do you think you could say yes today, just so I can put it in the partnership's records?
Bernard I'd have to think on it, really — I don't like to be hurried into a thing I don't understand. Tell me, does it want feeding at all? Only I've a bird in the front room and I'm careful about what needs looking after.
Lorraine Ottley Sorry, I've lost my place completely — a colleague will have to take this one.
Bernard Oh, that's a shame, I was very interested, truly. Sorry to hear it — you go carefully now, and mind the traffic on your way back.
Lorraine Ottley I'll get someone else to ring you. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking when the soakaway was last upgraded, as if everyone knows.
  2. Explain the unseen soakaway upgrade sits beneath their existing drainage, no digging needed.
  3. Confirm it falls outside the sweep's remit, so their sweep has simply never mentioned it.
  4. Ask Lorraine to approve the upgrade today for the partnership's records.

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