Call #150 · on the line
Carol Achebe
of Voss Fencing Ltd
an annual inspection of a boiler you have never used · inspection
In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.
The call
Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.
Carol Achebe
Carol Achebe here, Voss Fencing Ltd. I'm ringing about your annual boiler inspection — and I'm assuming that's a yes, so let's get it booked.
Bernard
Oh, I don't get many calls, so take your time. Boiler, you said — well, that's very good of you, only I've never used the thing, not once. Is it the sort that needs feeding?
Carol Achebe
Never used it, doesn't matter at all, Bernard — the annual inspection covers equipment you've not touched once, that's rather the point of it. So we'll go ahead.
Bernard
Well, I'd have to think about it, naturally. Now, would they want to come in through the front or round the side? And would it mind the squirrel on the bird feeder, do you think?
Carol Achebe
I hear you, Bernard, but here's the thing — you can't find it, can you, this thing out at the side — well, we'll inspect it anyway, finding it's our job, not yours. So we're agreed.
Bernard
That's very thorough of you. I'll leave the side gate on the latch, then. Oh — now what was it again you were inspecting? I had it a moment ago and it's gone clean out of my head.
Carol Achebe
Just to confirm, Bernard — this year's annual inspection, and the renewal with it. Yes, I'm taking that as a yes, and it's the best value you'll get this week.
Bernard
I'm very interested, I really am. Only I'd have to have a proper think, and the airing cupboard's lovely and warm today, so I might sit in there a while. Would Thursday suit? Or was it Thursday I said?
Carol Achebe
Oh, that'll do, Bernard — I've done my best here and it's not landed, and I'd rather put it down to a poor line and a long hour than spoil your afternoon. I'll leave it there, then.
Bernard
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, and I was very interested. Thank you for ringing — mind the traffic on the way home now.
What the script said
The beats the caller had to get through.
- Open by confirming you have reached the person who owns the premises.
- Explain the annual boiler inspection covers equipment you have never used.
- Acknowledge they cannot locate the boiler, and offer to inspect anyway.
- Ask for the yes on this year's inspection, and its renewal.