Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #15 · 2026-10-18

Deborah Quist
of Pendlebury Home Utility Bureau

a laminated rain gauge for an indoor cat · precipitation monitoring

21
Minutes on the line
38%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictmild objection, bribe logged, survey pencilled, surveyor lost

“Caller asked whether the sleeve needed feeding; no sale, but the parrot's colour preferences are now on file.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Deborah Quist Good afternoon, this is Deborah Quist from Pendlebury Home Utility Bureau. I'll be quick — can you confirm for me that your household has a cat, and a windowsill the cat has access to?
Bernard Oh, hello! Yes, I've got Mavis — she's a parrot, mind, not a cat, but she does like the windowsill. Well, she likes the curtain rail more, if I'm honest. Is it a bird thing, then, or have I got the wrong end of the stick?
Deborah Quist A parrot's fine, sir, thank you for clarifying. So the gauge arrives already filled with rainwater and sealed, and I must stress it's not to be opened once it's in place.
Bernard Rainwater, you say — and sealed, so it doesn't slosh about. Very sensible. Does it come in green at all? Only Mavis has her colour, you see, and she'll sulk if it clashes. Anyway, go on — you were saying about it not being opened.
Deborah Quist That's quite all right, sir. And there's optional quarterly calibration — a visiting technician pops round four times a year to make sure the readings stay true.
Bernard Four times a year, that's very thorough. Now, would the technician want a cup of tea? Only I like to know, so I can put the good biscuits out. Oh — and is it the garden they'd be popping round to, or indoors?
Deborah Quist Indoors, sir, definitely indoors. Now, we do also offer a protective sleeve for the gauge — though I should be upfront, the sleeve is an extra cost on top.
Bernard Extra cost, right you are. And does the sleeve need feeding at all? Only I'm out in the garden most mornings and I'd hate to neglect it. Sorry — that's a daft question, isn't it. What was it protecting, again?
Deborah Quist No feeding, sir — it's a sleeve. Just to confirm, then: is Mavis likely to object to the gauge being fitted? I do need to log any objections.
Bernard Object? Mavis objects to most things — she's taken against the postman and the Hoover alike. But she'll come round if I put a bit of apple out. So you log that as a mild objection and a bribe. That's fair, isn't it?
Deborah Quist Mild objection with a bribe — logged, thank you. Now then, I'll get a survey pencilled in for you, and the surveyor will be along to... ah. I've rather lost my place.
Bernard No rush at all, take your time — I've got nowhere to be. Oh, but mind the traffic when your surveyor comes, the lane's terrible for it. Now, was that Tuesday or Thursday you were pencilling me in for?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the household has a cat and a windowsill.
  2. Explain the gauge arrives pre-filled and is not to be opened.
  3. Describe optional quarterly calibration by a visiting technician.
  4. Offer a protective sleeve, then mention the sleeve costs extra.
  5. Ask if the cat is likely to object, and log any objection.
  6. Close by scheduling a survey the customer has not agreed to.

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