Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #14 · 2026-10-18

Gareth Pemberton
of Cowerby Domestic Assurance Partners

a pre-paid funeral plan for a goldfish · memorial planning

27
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno fish, no window, direct debit pending on imaginary terms

“Caller lost his place in the list; customer offered to think about it and asked which fish, since the last one was some years ago.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gareth Pemberton Good evening, I'm Gareth Pemberton from Cowerby Domestic Assurance Partners — am I speaking with the head of the household? I'll be quick, it's just a couple of minutes of your time.
Bernard Oh — hello there. Yes, that's me, Bernard Pottle, head of the household and everything else besides. Well, Mavis might argue. She's the parrot. What was the name of the firm again? Cowbury, was it?
Gareth Pemberton Cowerby, with an e, Domestic Assurance Partners. Lovely to reach you, Bernard — and could I just ask how you currently handle small aquatic bereavements in the household?
Bernard Aquatic — oh, you mean like swimming? Funny you should ask, I had a goldfish years back, dear little thing. Well, I say goldfish, it was more of a — anyway, it went. Does that count as bereavement?
Gareth Pemberton It absolutely does, Bernard, and that's exactly why I'm calling. Our plan gives tiered coverage for bowls up to six litres — so depending on the bowl, you'd be looking at our standard or our deeper-water tier.
Bernard Six litres, you say? Now that's generous. Would one of those big square ones count, the sort with the little castle in? My neighbour's got one of those. Is green an option, by any chance?
Gareth Pemberton The castle bowls are the deeper-water tier, yes. And on the difficult subject of grief, I want to reassure you that counselling under the plan is offered in flake form only.
Bernard In flake form? Well, that's handy — Mavis would have those off the top before you could blink. She's not fussy, that parrot. Would the flakes need feeding to the fish, or is it more of a sprinkle-on-the-lawn affair?
Gareth Pemberton Just a light sprinkle at the bowl, Bernard, we find it helps with closure. Now I should mention there's a limited window here — your fish's expected expiry date means we'd want to get this in place soon.
Bernard Oh, well, I'd have to think about it — but it's very good of you to hurry me along. Now, which fish are we talking about? Because the one I had was some years ago now. Or is there a fresh one I've forgotten about?
Gareth Pemberton I'll just tell you honestly, Bernard, it's been a slow evening and I've rather lost my place in the list. Do you think we could just set up the direct debit — a small monthly sum, purely imaginary, and I could get it in before the window closes?
Bernard A monthly sum, you say. Well, that sounds very reasonable, purely imaginary or not. Only — how much are we talking, and would it come out the same day as the window? I'd hate to have two things on the go at once.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open warmly, confirming you have reached the head of the household.
  2. Ask how they currently handle small aquatic bereavements.
  3. Introduce the plan's tiered coverage for bowls up to six litres.
  4. Reassure that grief counselling is offered in flake form only.
  5. Mention the limited window before the fish's expected expiry date.
  6. Close by requesting a direct debit for something unnecessarily monthly.

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