Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #141 · 2026-10-23

Sharon Sandiford
of Yeardley, Pinnock and Wainwright Chimney Sweeping Partnership

a certificate confirming a fence panel is free of loft dust · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 141: Sharon Sandiford of Yeardley, Pinnock and Wainwright Chimney Sweeping Partnership, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit

“Bernard offered the caller a cup of something and a warning about the rocking slab; caller was last heard asking for the first line of the address.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Sharon Sandiford Hello there, this is Sharon Sandiford from Yeardley, Pinnock and Wainwright Chimney Sweeping Partnership. Quick question for you — do you have a fence panel on the property?
Bernard Oh, hello! Hold on a moment, let me turn the radio down. There we are. A fence panel, did you say? Well, I've got the one out the back that leans a bit. Does that count?
Sharon Sandiford A leaning one absolutely counts, that's brilliant. So the certificate states, in writing, that panel's free of loft dust.
Bernard Free of loft dust. Well, I should hope so, it's out in the garden. Still, it's nice to have these things in writing, isn't it? My late wife always said that. What was it again, the loft dust?
Sharon Sandiford Brilliant, exactly that. Dust's unlikely, I'll happily admit, but the certificate puts it in writing, which is lovely.
Bernard It is lovely. Very thorough. Now, does it come in green at all? Only the panel's green, and I'd hate it to clash. And mind, you'll want to watch that rocking slab on the path on your way in.
Sharon Sandiford Noted on the colour, that's smashing feedback. So shall I go ahead and issue that certificate for you today?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Oh, that's very good of you though. Would you like a cup of something while you're at it? Only you sound like you've been on your feet all day.
Sharon Sandiford So if I could just take the first line of the address, and the, hello? Hello, are you still there?
Bernard I'm here, I'm here. Sorry, I put the phone down to have a look at the shed roof, there's a bucket under it that's doing a lot of good. What was it you were after?
Sharon Sandiford Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they have a fence panel on the property.
  2. Explain the certificate confirms that panel is free of loft dust.
  3. Accept that dust is unlikely, but the certificate puts it in writing.
  4. Ask for the go-ahead to issue the certificate today.

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