Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #13 · 2026-10-18

Deborah Quist
of Lanchester & Prine Domestic Registry

a quarterly audit of your staircase · structural subscription

30
Minutes on the line
18%
Will to live
12
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no stairs confirmed twice, kettle intervention

“Caller offered tea mid-close; prospect still unsure whether he has eleven steps or thirteen, and the parrot is not available for comment.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Deborah Quist Good afternoon, this is Deborah Quist from Lanchester & Prine Domestic Registry. Just to confirm — do you have stairs in your home?
Bernard Oh — well — yes, I do, there's a flight of them in the hall. Nobody's ever asked me that before, and I've been in this house since before Mavis was hatched.
Deborah Quist Lovely, that's great news. So the quarterly audit looks at your treads, your risers, and the general stair atmosphere — often overlooked, that.
Bernard The atmosphere, you say? That's interesting, because I've always thought the stairs had a bit of a draught. Does the audit man bring his own ladder, or does he use mine? Mine has a wobble.
Deborah Quist I'll be quick, Mr Pottle — the first visit is completely free, though I should be honest, it only inspects the top three steps. Now, might anyone in the house ever have counted the stairs aloud?
Bernard Only the top three? Well, that's very good of you. And counting — I did once, out loud, but the parrot joined in and I lost my place. It was either eleven steps or thirteen. I'd have to think about it.
Deborah Quist Well, that's exactly why the annual plan exists — it comes with our riser serenity guarantee, which is, well, it's a guarantee. Now, just to confirm, do you have stairs?
Bernard Riser serenity — that's a lovely phrase, that. Is the guarantee a written thing, or more of a feeling? And mind the traffic when you come, the road outside's been dug up since Tuesday.
Deborah Quist It's a laminated certificate, promised within six to nine months. So can I put you down for the annual plan, Mr Pottle?
Bernard Six to nine months, that's quicker than my sister's Christmas card, which arrived in April. I'm very interested — now, would the certificate fit on the hall wall, do you think? It's green, the wall.
Deborah Quist It's a standard-sized certificate, so it should suit a green wall nicely. Shall I put your name down for the annual plan, then?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it, but — oh, the kettle's just gone. Would you like a cup of tea while you're on? I can put the phone down a moment.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming the customer has stairs, then sound pleasantly surprised.
  2. Explain the audit covers treads, risers and general stair atmosphere.
  3. Mention the first visit is free but only inspects the top three steps.
  4. Offer the annual plan with the nonsense phrase 'riser serenity guarantee'.
  5. Ask if anyone in the house has ever counted the stairs aloud.
  6. Close by promising a laminated certificate within six to nine months.

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