Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #139 · 2026-10-23

Nigel Petley
of The Sanderby Hatch Trust

a annual loft dust subscription that renews itself · renewing subscription

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
22%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 139: Nigel Petley of The Sanderby Hatch Trust, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no address, caller exited via drain

“Bernard offered the front address or the one round the back; caller declined both and wished the drain well.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Nigel Petley Nigel Petley, The Sanderby Hatch Trust. Your loft — when was it last dusted?
Bernard Well, now, that's a question nobody's asked me in a while. Not since my Vera passed, and she was the one who went up there. The drain by the gate gurgles something awful, mind, so I've had that on my mind instead. Is that who sent you?
Nigel Petley No, no one sent me about the drain. What the trust offers is an annual loft dust subscription — hassle-free upkeep, that's the whole pitch, and I'm told it sells itself.
Bernard I see, I see. Well, that's very good of you. Upkeep's the word, isn't it — I could do with a bit of that. Does it come in green at all? Only the loft's got a green sort of lining and I'd want it to match.
Nigel Petley Colour's not really my department, if I'm honest. What I can tell you is it renews itself automatically, so once it's running you never lift a finger.
Bernard Never lift a finger. That's the trouble, you see, I've got fingers going spare these days. Sorry, did you say it renews itself — like it comes back round again on its own? Now, would that be once a year or more often?
Nigel Petley Once a year, yes. Same time, every year, automatic — that's the appeal of it. Now, if you could just confirm the address so the arrangement can begin.
Bernard Same time every year, automatic. Right you are. Oh — would it be all right in a bungalow? Only I'm not sure it's a proper loft, strictly speaking, it's more of a slope. And which address would you be wanting, the front one or the one round the back?
Nigel Petley Honestly, Bernard, I've been at this since half eight and this one's not going to happen. I'm going to let you go — you have a good afternoon, and mind that drain.
Bernard I'm sorry to hear that, Nigel, I really am — I was very interested, truly. You mind the traffic on the way home, now.
Nigel Petley Right. I'll let you get back to your afternoon. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by mentioning their loft and asking when it was last dusted.
  2. Describe the annual loft dust subscription as hassle-free upkeep.
  3. Explain that renewal happens automatically so they never lift a finger.
  4. Ask them to confirm the address so the arrangement can begin.

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