Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #131 · 2026-10-23

Ieuan Colesworth
of Cinderby Holdings

a bundle of a water butt and a spare key · bundle

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
18%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 131: Ieuan Colesworth of Cinderby Holdings, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, no exit; caller withdrew to the post

“Bernard asked whether the key was to lock the water in, and the caller read the sheet at him; the bird was never consulted.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Ieuan Colesworth Ieuan Colesworth, Cinderby Holdings. Ringing about a bundled arrangement for the decision-maker at the locality. That's you, presumably.
Bernard Oh, I've had my lunch, thank you — a bit of soup. Now, decision-maker, that's very grand for me and the bird. What was it you said you were bringing round?
Ieuan Colesworth Nothing's coming round, Bernard, I'm on the phone. The bundle is a water butt and a spare key, arriving as one arrangement, one price.
Bernard A water butt and a spare key. Well, that's a funny pair, isn't it. The water butt I follow, mind — but what's the key for, is it to lock the water in?
Ieuan Colesworth I know it sounds like two things thrown in a box, but that's the arrangement — they come as a pair and you don't split them. So, the bundle, both items, yes?
Bernard Oh, I wouldn't dream of splitting them, they'd be lonely. Does the key come in green at all? Only I've got a shed roof that lets the rain in, and the butt would have its work cut out.
Ieuan Colesworth I couldn't tell you from here, Bernard — I'm just reading the sheet. So can I put you down for the bundle, both items, yes?
Bernard Well, I'd have to think about it. Hold on a moment, there's a bucket under the shed roof I ought to empty before it tips over. You still there?
Ieuan Colesworth Still here. So that's a yes on the water butt and the key, both together.
Bernard Nearly, nearly. Tell me, would the butt mind sharing the garden with a bird? He's very particular about where things go, you see.
Ieuan Colesworth I'll send it in the post instead. Save us both the trouble. Goodbye.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the decision-maker at the locality.
  2. Explain the water butt and spare key arrive as one bundled arrangement.
  3. Dismiss the objection that the two items have nothing to do with each other.
  4. Ask for the yes on the bundle, both items together.

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