Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #129 · 2026-10-23

Gillian Onions
of Pendry Porch Maintenance

a certificate confirming a shed is suitable for its address · certification

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
11%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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Share card for call 129: Gillian Onions of Pendry Porch Maintenance, 15 minutes.

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, tea offered, line blamed

“Bernard asked whether the certificate came in green to match the shed; Gillian blamed the line and left the pot on.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Gillian Onions Gillian Onions, Pendry Porch Maintenance. I'm ringing to confirm I've got the shed owner at the right address — that's you, isn't it.
Bernard Oh, hello there. Well, yes, that's me, I'm the one with the shed. Is this a selling call or more of an asking call? Only I like to know which, so I can settle in properly.
Gillian Onions Bernard, it's an asking call that becomes a very short selling call. The certificate simply states that your shed suits its address — that's all it says, and it's all it needs to say.
Bernard A certificate, right. And it just says the shed suits the address — well, it's been sat there forty years, so it ought to by now. Does it come in green at all? Only the shed's green, and I like things to match.
Gillian Onions Now, Bernard, you already know the shed fits there — you've just told me. But a certificate is a document that proves it.
Bernard Well, that's very good of you. I do know it, you're quite right, but proving it's a different business, isn't it. Hang on, there's the loft hatch going again — it never stays up. Sorry, what was the document proving, exactly?
Gillian Onions No trouble, Bernard — now, you already know that fact, and I do understand that. But I want you fixed up properly here, so what about I put you down for the certificate right now.
Bernard Oh, well, now, I'd have to think about it. Not that there's much to think about, mind — there never is round here. Would you like a cup of tea while I think? I've got the pot on already.
Gillian Onions You'd think I'd be used to this, Bernard. I've had a clear run of it all afternoon and then your line goes muffled halfway through — I'll let you get to that pot, I'm not getting anywhere sensible here.
Bernard Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, I really am. I was very interested, you know, genuinely. Off you go then — and mind the traffic on the way home.
Gillian Onions I'll try again when the line's behaving. Good afternoon.

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by confirming you have reached the shed owner at the correct address.
  2. Explain that the certificate simply states the shed suits its address.
  3. Concede they already know this, but insist a certificate proves it.
  4. Ask whether they would like the certificate issued today.

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