Bernard Pottle The Minutes Wasted Line Line idle

Call #127 · 2026-10-23

Femi Gopal
of The Association of Sash Window Registrars

a replacement for a drain that is not broken · needless replacement

In real life: hang up. Every call here is fiction, played by machines. A real one wants a single thing: for you to stay on the line. Put the phone down.

15
Minutes on the line
34%
Will to live
11
Lines spoken
0
Sales made

The card

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The thirty seconds

Voiced, vertical, and ready to post. Two fictional voices; every person and company is invented.

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The manager's note

Verdictno sale, no objection, line dead

“Bernard offered no resistance, only tea, glasses and a bird in the chimney pot; caller lost the will and the signal.”

The call

Oldest line at the top; it reads downward like a script.

Femi Gopal Hello, sorry to bother you, my name's Femi Gopal from The Association of Sash Window Registrars. I'm just calling about your drain, if that's alright — do you happen to know how old it is?
Bernard Oh, well, hello there. Hold on a moment, let me turn the radio down — it's the afternoon programme, all about hedges. There, that's better. Now, the drain, you said? I've never really thought about its age. It was here before me, that's for certain.
Femi Gopal No problem at all, sir, take your time. So the registrar's drain replacement programme — it's included in your good standing, which is the bit I'm meant to explain properly.
Bernard A train replacement? No, the trains are dreadful round here, but I don't have one of those. Oh — the drain. Sorry, dear. Yes, go on about the good standing, that sounds nice. Do you offer a cup of tea to people on the phone, or is that not allowed?
Femi Gopal Ha, no tea I'm afraid, they don't trust us with it. Right, so — I'll be quick — the good standing's the part of your registration that keeps everything, um, in good standing.
Bernard Ah, keeping it in good standing, that's sensible. And you say nothing's actually gone wrong with the drain? I only ask because there's a bird in the chimney pot that makes an awful racket of an evening, and I wondered if that was connected.
Femi Gopal That's the thing, sir, sorry — I have to be honest, no drain of yours has actually failed. But the prevention side is really the important part, especially before your registration lapses.
Bernard Lapses, right, yes. Well, I'd hate for anything to lapse. My wife used to say I'd let all sorts lapse if she didn't keep an eye. So what would I need to do about the prevention — is there a form, or does someone come round and look at it?
Femi Gopal It's just a quick approval over the phone, then I confirm your registrar details and we're all done. Sorry, is now an alright time for that?
Bernard Oh, now's as good a time as any, I've nowhere to be. Let me just get my glasses — they'll be in the hall somewhere. Now, your details, was it a sash window chap called Fenwick, or Fenniman, something like that?
Femi Gopal Hello? I'm losing you. Hello?

What the script said

The beats the caller had to get through.

  1. Open by asking whether they know the age of their drain.
  2. Describe the registrar's drain replacement programme and its inclusion in good standing.
  3. Concede no drain has failed, then stress prevention before registration lapses.
  4. Ask them to approve the replacement and confirm their registrar details now.

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